[Rhodes22-list] jokes
elle
watermusic38 at yahoo.com
Mon Sep 29 22:19:20 EDT 2008
No.....I just Googled it & it sounds like somethhing that would be to my liking.. I don't usually like sci-fi, but I do like Asimov & Bradbury.
elle
We can't change the angle of the wind....but we can adjust our sails.
1992 Rhodes 22 Recyc '06 "WaterMusic" (Lady in Red)
--- On Mon, 9/29/08, Herb Parsons <hparsons at parsonsys.com> wrote:
> From: Herb Parsons <hparsons at parsonsys.com>
> Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] jokes
> To: "The Rhodes 22 Email List" <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
> Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 10:06 PM
> Have you ever read the short story "Jokester" by
> Isaac Asimov?
>
>
>
> elle wrote:
> > Brad,
> >
> > Thank you for the best five minutes of the day, week,
> and month.
> >
> > Ya have to have a sideways look at life to appreciate
> a good pun....a really good one has the 'time -delay
> ' factor: a blank look followed by the 'aha!...
> That's funnier than the pun. LOVE 'em,! and I have
> to thank my dad, who was an inveterate punster. I once asked
> him for a rubber band; he replied that he had none there but
> had a steel orchestra in the garage.
> >
> > Here are more:
> >
> > 1.Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated
> from his feet, I find him very annoying.
> > I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.
> >
> > 2. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm
> not so sure...
> >
> > 3. For some people the only puns they make are about
> dairy products, because the rest are just too cheesy. When
> they think of one, they tend to milk it for all it's
> worth. Usually I don't think they're gouda enough,
> but we could find a whey to cream off the best ones.
> > I cheddar to think what they'll come out with
> next.
> >
> >
> > If you want a real challenge, try explaining a
> 400-year-old pun from Shakespeare to a 9th grader...
> > ;^)
> >
> >
> > elle
> >
> >
> > We can't change the angle of the wind....but we
> can adjust our sails.
> >
> > 1992 Rhodes 22 Recyc '06 "WaterMusic"
> (Lady in Red)
> >
> >
> > --- On Mon, 9/29/08, Brad Haslett
> <flybrad at gmail.com> wrote:
> >
> >
> >> From: Brad Haslett <flybrad at gmail.com>
> >> Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] jokes
> >> To: "The Rhodes 22 Email List"
> <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
> >> Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 12:18 PM
> >> This just in from my old HS guidance counselor
> (who mostly
> >> said during
> >> that period, "I know nothing"). I hate
> to get on
> >> a soapbox and then
> >> run, but the "Elles" and
> "Gregs" in the
> >> world are so rare and so
> >> special when you find them that you just have to
> brag!
> >>
> >>
> >> -----------------------
> >>
> >> Here are the top 10 winners in the International
> Pun
> >> Contest.
> >>
> >> 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
> >> raccoons. The
> >> Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm
> sorry, sir,
> >> only one carrion
> >> allowed per passenger.
> >>
> >> 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one
> turns to the
> >> other and
> >> says, 'Dam!'
> >>
> >> 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
> they lit
> >> a fire in
> >> the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once
> again that
> >> you can't
> >> have your kayak and heat it, too.
> >>
> >> 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says,
> 'I've lost
> >> my electron.' The
> >> other says, 'Are you sure?' The first
> >> replies,'Yes, I'm positive.'
> >>
> >> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
> Novocain
> >> during a root canal?
> >> His goal: transcend dental medication.
> >>
> >> 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
> hotel and
> >> were
> >> standing in the lobby discussing their recent
> tournament
> >> victories.
> >> After about an hour, the manager came out of the
> office and
> >> asked them
> >> to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved
> >> off.'Because,' he said,
> >> 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an
> open
> >> foyer.'
> >>
> >> 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for
> adoption. One
> >> of them goes
> >> to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other
> goes to
> >> a family in
> >> Spain ; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan
> sends a
> >> picture of
> >> himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
> picture,
> >> she tells her
> >> husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
> Ahmal.
> >> Her husband
> >> responds, 'They're twins! If you've
> seen Juan,
> >> you've seen Ahmal.'
> >>
> >> 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry
> payments,
> >> so they
> >> opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
> everyone
> >> liked to
> >> buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist
> across
> >> town thought
> >> the competition was unfair. He asked the good
> fathers to
> >> close down,
> >> but they would not. He went back and begged the
> friars to
> >> close. They
> >> ignored him.
> >> So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
> roughest
> >> and most
> >> vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to
> close.
> >> Hugh beat up the
> >> friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be
> back if
> >> they didn't
> >> close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
> proving that
> >> only Hugh
> >> can prevent florist friars.
> >>
> >> 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
> most of the
> >> time,
> >> which produced an impressive set of calluses on
> his feet.
> >> He also ate
> >> very little, which made him rather frail and, with
> his odd
> >> diet, he
> >> suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man,
> this is
> >> SO BAD, it's
> >> good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
> halitosis.
> >>
> >> 10. And, finally, there was the person who sent
> ten
> >> different puns to
> >> friends, with the hope that at least one of the
> puns would
> >> make them
> >> laugh. No pun in ten did.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> On Sat, Sep 27, 2008 at 5:06 PM, michael meltzer
> >> <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com> wrote:
> >>
> >>> When I got home last night, my wife demanded
> that I
> >>>
> >> take her someplace
> >>
> >>> expensive....
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> So, I took her to a gas station.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> And that's how the fight started....
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>
> ************************************************************************
> >>
> >>> After retiring, I went to the Social Security
> office
> >>>
> >> to apply for Social
> >>
> >>> Security. The woman behind the counter asked
> me for my
> >>>
> >> driver's license to
> >>
> >>> verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
> realized I
> >>>
> >> had left my wallet at
> >>
> >>> home.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
> would
> >>>
> >> have to go home and come
> >>
> >>> back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your
> >>>
> >> shirt'. So I opened my shirt
> >>
> >>> revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
> 'That
> >>>
> >> silver hair on your chest is
> >>
> >>> proof enough for me' and she processed my
> Social
> >>>
> >> Security application.
> >>
> >>>
> >>> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife
> about my
> >>>
> >> experience at the Social
> >>
> >>> Security office.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> She said, 'You should have dropped your
> pants. You
> >>>
> >> might have gotten
> >>
> >>> disability, too'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> And that's how the fight started.....
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>
> ***********************************************************************
> >>
> >>> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my
> high
> >>>
> >> school reunion, and I kept
> >>
> >>> staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink
> as she
> >>>
> >> sat alone at a nearby
> >>
> >>> table.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
> >>>
> >> girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
> >>
> >>> right after we split up those many years ago,
> and I
> >>>
> >> hear she hasn't been
> >>
> >>> sober since'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would
> think a
> >>>
> >> person could go on celebrating
> >>
> >>> that long?'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> And that's how the fight started......
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>
> ***********************************************************************
> >>
> >>> I rear-ended a car this morning.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> So, there we were alongside the road and
> slowly the
> >>>
> >> other driver got out of
> >>
> >>> his car. You know how sometimes you just get
> soooo
> >>>
> >> stressed and little
> >>
> >>> things just seem funny? Yeah, well I
> couldn't
> >>>
> >> believe it.... He was a
> >>
> >>> DWARF!!!
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me,
> and
> >>>
> >> shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
> >>
> >>>
> >>> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well,
> then
> >>>
> >> which one are you?'
> >>
> >>>
> >>> And that's how the fight started.......
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>
> ***********************************************************************
> >>
> >>> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of
> Miller
> >>>
> >> Light for $14.95.
> >>
> >>> Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for
> $7.95. I
> >>>
> >> told her the beer would
> >>
> >>> make her look better at night than the cold
> cream.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> And that's how the fight started.....
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>
> ************************************************************************
> >>
> >>> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter,
> for some
> >>>
> >> reason, took my order
> >>
> >>> first.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> "I'll have the strip steak, medium
> rare,
> >>>
> >> please."
> >>
> >>>
> >>> He said, "Aren't you worried about
> the mad
> >>>
> >> cow?"
> >>
> >>>
> >>> "Nah, she can order for herself."
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> And that's how the fight started..
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> --
> >>>
> >>> A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of
> beer and
> >>>
> >> a ham sandwich.
> >>
> >>>
> >>> The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang
> on!
> >>>
> >> You're a duck.'
> >>
> >>>
> >>> 'I see your eyes are working,' replies
> the
> >>>
> >> duck.
> >>
> >>>
> >>> 'And you can talk!' exclaims the
> barman.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'I see your ears are working, too,'
> says the
> >>>
> >> duck. 'Now if you don't mind,
> >>
> >>> can I have my beer and my sandwich
> please?'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'Certainly, sorry about that,' says
> the barman
> >>>
> >> as he pulls the duck's pint.
> >>
> >>> 'It's just we don't get many ducks
> in this
> >>>
> >> pub. What are you doing round
> >>
> >>> this way?'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'I'm working on the building site
> across the
> >>>
> >> road,' explains the duck. 'I'm
> >>
> >>> a plasterer.'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the
> duck and
> >>>
> >> wants to learn more,
> >>
> >>> but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a
> newspaper
> >>>
> >> from his bag and
> >>
> >>> proceeds to read it.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer,
> eats
> >>>
> >> his sandwich, bids the
> >>
> >>> barman good day and leaves.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The same thing happens for two weeks.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Then one day the circus comes to town.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint
> and the
> >>>
> >> barman says to him
> >>
> >>> 'You're with the circus, aren't
> you? Well,
> >>>
> >> I know this duck that could be
> >>
> >>> just brilliant in your circus. He talks,
> drinks beer,
> >>>
> >> eats sandwiches, reads
> >>
> >>> the newspaper and everything!'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'Sounds marvelous,' says the
> ringmaster,
> >>>
> >> handing over his business card.
> >>
> >>> 'Get him to give me a call.'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> So the next day when the duck comes into the
> pub the
> >>>
> >> barman says, 'Hey Mr.
> >>
> >>> Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top
> job,
> >>>
> >> paying really good money.'
> >>
> >>>
> >>> 'I'm always looking for the next
> job,'
> >>>
> >> says the duck. 'Where is it?'
> >>
> >>>
> >>> 'At the circus,' says the barman.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'The circus?' repeats the duck.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'That's right,' replies the
> barman.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'The circus?' the duck asks again.
> 'That
> >>>
> >> place with the big tent?'
> >>
> >>>
> >>> 'Yeah,' the barman replies.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'With all the animals who live in cages,
> and
> >>>
> >> performers who live in
> >>
> >>> caravans?' says the duck.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'Of course,' the barman replies.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'And the tent has canvas sides and a big
> canvas
> >>>
> >> roof with a hole in the
> >>
> >>> middle?' persists the duck.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> 'That's right!' says the barman.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The duck shakes his head in amazement, and
> says
> >>>
> >> 'What the f#ck would they
> >>
> >>> want with a plasterer?'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> --
> >>>
> >>> One evening a husband, thinking he was being
> funny,
> >>>
> >> said to his wife,
> >>
> >>> 'Perhaps we should start washing your
> clothes in
> >>>
> >> Slim Fast.- maybe it would
> >>
> >>> take a few inches off of your butt!!'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> His wife was not amused, and decided that she
> simply
> >>>
> >> couldn't let such a
> >>
> >>> comment go un rewarded.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> The next morning the husband took a pair of
> underwear
> >>>
> >> out of his drawer.
> >>
> >>> 'What the heck is this?' he said to
> himself as
> >>>
> >> a little 'dust' cloud
> >>
> >>> appeared when he shook them out.
> 'April,' he
> >>>
> >> hollered into the bathroom,
> >>
> >>> 'Why did you put talcum powder in my
> >>>
> >> underwear?'
> >>
> >>>
> >>> She replied with a snicker, 'It's not
> talcum
> >>>
> >> powder ... it's Miracle Grow.'
> >>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> --
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> __________________________________________________
> >>> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with
> using the
> >>>
> >> mailing list go to http://www.rhodes22.org/list
> >>
> >>>
> __________________________________________________
> >>>
> >>>
> >> __________________________________________________
> >> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using
> the mailing
> >> list go to http://www.rhodes22.org/list
> >> __________________________________________________
> >>
> >
> >
> >
> > __________________________________________________
> > To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using the
> mailing list go to http://www.rhodes22.org/list
> > __________________________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> __________________________________________________
> To subscribe/unsubscribe or for help with using the mailing
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