[Rhodes22-list] Winter Joke Time

[BenCittadino]

A client sent me this today (Must be a full moon). Some are old, some are
new, but I think most are funny.
a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters that had the 
torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

______________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?


WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.


ATTORNEY: Voodoo?


WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
 ______________________________ _____________

 ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

 WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

 WITNESS: Yes..

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

 WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?


WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 ______________________________ ___________

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?   What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 ______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?

WITNESS: No .

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?


WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

  BenC



  
 

 

                

BenCittadino wrote:
> 
> Somebody sent this cute joke to me yesterday. I have heard it before
> (maybe here??), but thought I'd pass it along in the hope of stimulating
> some brain cells to contribute more:
> 
>   a bridge to Hawaii
>> 
>> A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach
>> when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a
>> booming voice,
>> God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me
>> I will grant you one wish.'
>> 
>> The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii
>> so I can ride over anytime I want.'
>> 
>> God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the
>> enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the
>> supports required
>> reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and
>> steel it
>> would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify
>> your desire
>> for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
>> something that could possibly help man kind.'
>> 
>> The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he
>> said, 'God,
>> I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want
>> to
>> know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she
>> gives
>> me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means
>> when
>> she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when
>> I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
>> 
>> God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
>> 
>  
> BenC
> 

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