[Rhodes22-list] Winter Joke Time

[Stephen Staum]

Ben,
Yes, they are funny.
SS

Sent from my iPhone

On Feb 3, 2010, at 2:30 PM, BenCittadino <bencittadino at gmail.com> wrote:

>
> A client sent me this today (Must be a full moon). Some are old,  
> some are
> new, but I think most are funny.
> a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are word for  
> word, taken
> down and now published by court reporters that had the
> torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking  
> place.
>
> ______________________________
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>
>
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ______________________________ ______________
>
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>
> WITNESS: Yes.
>
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>
> WITNESS: I forget.
>
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you  
> forgot?
> ______________________________ _____________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in  
> voodoo?
>
> WITNESS: We both do.
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>
>
> WITNESS: We do.
>
> ATTORNEY: You do?
>
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________ ______________
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his  
> sleep,
> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
>
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ______________________________ ______
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>
>
> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> ______________________________ _____________
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>
> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
> ______________________________ ___________
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>
> WITNESS: Yes.
>
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>
> WITNESS: Getting laid
> ______________________________ ______________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>
> WITNESS: Yes..
>
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>
> WITNESS: None.
>
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
>
> Can I get a new attorney?
> ______________________________ ______________
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>
> WITNESS: By death.
>
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
>
>
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> ______________________________ ______________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>
> WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
>
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> ______________________________ _______
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on  
> dead
> people?
>
>
> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
> ______________________________ ___________
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?   What school did you  
> go to?
>
> WITNESS: Oral.
> ______________________________ ___________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>
> ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
>
> ______________________________ ______________
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>
> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
>
> ______________________________ ________
>
> And the best for last:
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check  
> for a
> pulse?
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when  
> you began
> the autopsy?
>
> WITNESS: No .
>
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>
>
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,  
> nevertheless?
>
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and  
> practicing
> law.
>
>  BenC
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BenCittadino wrote:
>>
>> Somebody sent this cute joke to me yesterday. I have heard it before
>> (maybe here??), but thought I'd pass it along in the hope of  
>> stimulating
>> some brain cells to contribute more:
>>
>>  a bridge to Hawaii
>>>
>>> A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach
>>> when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a
>>> booming voice,
>>> God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me
>>> I will grant you one wish.'
>>>
>>> The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii
>>> so I can ride over anytime I want.'
>>>
>>> God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the
>>> enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the
>>> supports required
>>> reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and
>>> steel it
>>> would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify
>>> your desire
>>> for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
>>> something that could possibly help man kind.'
>>>
>>> The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he
>>> said, 'God,
>>> I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want
>>> to
>>> know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she
>>> gives
>>> me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means
>>> when
>>> she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when
>>> I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
>>>
>>> God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
>>>
>>
>> BenC
>>
>
> -- 
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>
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