[Rhodes22-list] Winter Joke Time
BenCittadino
bencittadino at gmail.com
Mon Feb 8 16:22:56 EST 2010
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a
real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" inthe lower right
corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the
ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and
demands to know what it stands for.The officer says, "That's so when we go
to court, I'll rememberthat you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving
record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent
him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"Officer responds,
"Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number
at the top.
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?""Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the
narrative there is an "AH," underlined.""What does the "AH" stand for,
officer?""Aggressive and hostile, Sir.""Aggressive and hostile?""Yes, Sir?
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?""Well, sir, you know
your client better than I do!"
BenC
Lady in Red wrote:
>
> Great stuff, Art! 'Who's on First' for the computer era!
> elle
>
> Beer is good....people are crazy
>
> 1992 Rhodes 22 Recycled '06"Watermusic" {Lady in Red}
>
> --- On Fri, 2/5/10, Arthur H. Czerwonky <czerwonky at earthlink.net> wrote:
>
> From: Arthur H. Czerwonky <czerwonky at earthlink.net>
> Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] Winter Joke Time
> To: "The Rhodes 22 Email List" <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
> Date: Friday, February 5, 2010, 3:55 PM
>
> I have heard that a secretary in Ben's office was questioned about her
> computer password:
>
> During this recent audit, it was found that his receptionist was using the
> following password:
>
> "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
>
> When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it
> had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
>
> .........
>
>
> Now there were two close friends, quite unknown to you, talking on the
> phone about a new computer:
>
>
> This is Stan, calling to Art about buying a new computer:
>
> Art: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>
> Stan: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
> buying a computer.
>
> Art: Mac?
>
> Stan: No, this is Stan.
>
> Art: Your computer?
>
> Stan: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
>
> Art: Mac?
>
> Stan: No! I told you, this is Stan.
>
> Art: What about Windows?
>
> Stan: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
>
> Art: Do you want a computer with Windows?
>
> Stan: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
>
> Art: Wallpaper.
>
> Stan: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and the software.
>
> Art: Software for Windows?
>
> Stan: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,
> track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
>
> Art: Office.
>
> Stan: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
>
> Art: Yeah, I just did.
>
> Stan: You just did what?
>
> Art: Recommend something.
>
> Stan: You recommended something?
>
> Art: Yes.
>
> Stan: For my office?
>
> Art: Yes.
>
> Stan: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
>
> Art: Office.
>
> Stan: Yes, for my office!
>
> Art: I recommend Office with Windows.
>
> Stan: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
> sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
>
> Art: Word.
>
> Stan: What word?
>
> Art: Word in Office.
>
> Stan: The only word in office is office.
>
> Art: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
> Stan: Which word in office for windows?
>
> Art: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
>
> Stan: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some
> straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
> can track my money with?
>
> Art: Money.
>
> Stan: That's right. What do you have?
>
> Art: Money.
>
> Stan: I need money to track my money?
>
> Art: It comes bundled with your computer..
>
> Stan: What's bundled with my computer?
>
> Art: Money.
>
> Stan: Money comes with my computer?
>
> Art: Yes. No extra charge.
>
> Stan: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
>
> Art: One copy.
>
> Stan: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
>
> Art: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
>
> Stan: They can give you a license to copy money?
>
> Art: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
>
> (A few days later)
>
> Art: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>
> Stan: How do I turn my new computer off?
>
> Art: Click on 'START'..... .........
>
>
> Credit to an anonymous
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
>>From: BenCittadino <bencittadino at gmail.com>
>>Sent: Feb 3, 2010 2:30 PM
>>To: rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org
>>Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] Winter Joke Time
>>
>>
>>A client sent me this today (Must be a full moon). Some are old, some are
>>new, but I think most are funny.
>>a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are word for word,
taken
>>down and now published by court reporters that had the
>>torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>
>>______________________________
>>
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>>
>>
>>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>>______________________________ ______________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>>
>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>
>>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>>
>>WITNESS: I forget.
>>
>>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>>______________________________ _____________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>>
>>WITNESS: We both do.
>>
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>>
>>
>>WITNESS: We do.
>>
>>ATTORNEY: You do?
>>
>>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>>______________________________ ______________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
>>he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
>>
>>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>>______________________________ ______
>>
>>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>>
>>
>>WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
>> ______________________________ _____________
>>
>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>
>>WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
>>______________________________ ___________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>>
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>>
>>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>>
>>WITNESS: Getting laid
>>______________________________ ______________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>>
>> WITNESS: Yes..
>>
>>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>>
>>WITNESS: None.
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>>
>>WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
>>
>>Can I get a new attorney?
>>______________________________ ______________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>>
>> WITNESS: By death.
>>
>>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>
>>
>>
>>WITNESS: Take a guess.
>>______________________________ ______________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>>
>>WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>>
>>WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
>>______________________________ _______
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
>>people?
>>
>>
>>WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
>> ______________________________ ___________
>>
>>
>>
>>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
>>
>>WITNESS: Oral.
>>______________________________ ___________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>>
>>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>>
>>ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>>
>>WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
>>
>> ______________________________ ______________
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>>
>>WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
>>
>>______________________________ ________
>>
>>And the best for last:
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
>>pulse?
>>
>>WITNESS: No.
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>
>>WITNESS: No.
>>
>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>>
>>WITNESS: No.
>>
>>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began
>>the autopsy?
>>
>>WITNESS: No .
>>
>>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>
>>
>>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>
>>ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
>>
>>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
>>law.
>>
>> BenC
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>BenCittadino wrote:
>>>
>>> Somebody sent this cute joke to me yesterday. I have heard it before
>>> (maybe here??), but thought I'd pass it along in the hope of stimulating
>>> some brain cells to contribute more:
>>>
>>> a bridge to Hawaii
>>>>
>>>> A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach
>>>> when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a
>>>> booming voice,
>>>> God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me
>>>> I will grant you one wish.'
>>>>
>>>> The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii
>>>> so I can ride over anytime I want.'
>>>>
>>>> God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the
>>>> enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the
>>>> supports required
>>>> reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and
>>>> steel it
>>>> would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify
>>>> your desire
>>>> for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
>>>> something that could possibly help man kind.'
>>>>
>>>> The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he
>>>> said, 'God,
>>>> I wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want
>>>> to
>>>> know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she
>>>> gives
>>>> me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means
>>>> when
>>>> she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when
>>>> I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
>>>>
>>>> God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
>>>>
>>>
>>> BenC
>>>
>>
>>--
>>View this message in context:
http://old.nabble.com/Winter-Joke-Time-tp27437084p27442005.html
>>Sent from the Rhodes 22 mailing list archive at Nabble.com.
>>
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>
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>
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>
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--
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