[Rhodes22-list] How to Sing The Blues -- Joke

Thu, 8 Aug 2002 12:10:35 -0400

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1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues.  Unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with
the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town.  Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town.  Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice.  You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.  Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles of any kind.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.  Jet
aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.  So does fixin' to
die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues.  They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues.  In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place
in Canada.  Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just
clinical depression.  Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the Blues.  You cannot have the blues in any place
that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues.  A woman with male
pattern baldness is.  Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not
the blues.  Breaking your leg escaping an outraged husband is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall.  The lighting
is wrong.  Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color.  It's a matter of bad luck.  Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues.  Sonny Liston could.  Ugly white people
also got a leg up on the blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues.  Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey
or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death.  Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken down cot.  You can't have a Blues death if you die during a
tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Buffy, and Heather can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
Lame,etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,
Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.)

For example:
Blind Lime Jefferson,
Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.  (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

21. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot
sing the blues.

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<DIV>1. Most Blues =
begin, "Woke up=20
this morning..." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin =
the=20
Blues.&nbsp; Unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, =
"I got a=20
good woman, with the meanest face in town." 3. The Blues is =
simple.=20
After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something =
that=20
rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in =
town.&nbsp; Yes,=20
I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.&nbsp; Got teeth =
like=20
Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound." 4. The Blues is not =
about=20
choice.&nbsp; You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no =
way=20
out. 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down=20
trucks.&nbsp; Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility =
Vehicles=20
of any kind. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a =
southbound=20
train.&nbsp; Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even =
in the=20
running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.&nbsp; So =
does=20
fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues.&nbsp; They =
ain't=20
fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues.&nbsp; In Blues, "adulthood" =
means=20
being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in=20
Memphis. 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in =
Hawaii or=20
any place in Canada.&nbsp; Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is =
probably=20
just clinical depression.&nbsp; Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City =
are still=20
the best places to have the Blues.&nbsp; You cannot have the blues in =
any=20
place that don't get rain. 8. A man with male pattern baldness =
ain't=20
the blues.&nbsp; A woman with male pattern baldness is.&nbsp; =
Breaking your=20
leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues.&nbsp; Breaking your leg =
escaping=20
an outraged husband is. 9. You can't have no Blues in a office or =
a=20
shopping mall.&nbsp; The lighting is wrong.&nbsp; Go outside to the =
parking=20
lot or sit by the dumpster. 10. Good places for the Blues: a.=20
highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey=20
glass 11. Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's b. =
gallery=20
openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses 12. No =
one will=20
believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a =
old=20
ethnic person, and you slept in it. 13. Do you have the right to =
sing the=20
Blues? Yes, if: a. you older than dirt b. you blind c. you =
shot a=20
man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied No, if: a. you =
have all=20
your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in =
Memphis=20
lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund 14. Blues is not a =
matter of=20
color.&nbsp; It's a matter of bad luck.&nbsp; Tiger Woods cannot sing =
the=20
blues.&nbsp; Sonny Liston could.&nbsp; Ugly white people also got a =
leg up on=20
the blues. 15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you =
gasoline,=20
it's the Blues.&nbsp; Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap =
wine b.=20
whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee The =
following=20
are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. =
Snapple d. Slim=20
Fast 16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, =
it's a=20
Blues death.&nbsp; Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another =
Blues=20
way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying =
lonely on=20
a broken down cot.&nbsp; You can't have a Blues death if you die =
during=20
a tennis match or while getting liposuction. 17. Some Blues =
names for=20
women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River=20
Dumpling 18. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. =
Willie c.=20
Little Willie d. Big Willie 19. Persons with names like =
Michelle,=20
Amber, Buffy, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men =
they=20
shoot in Memphis. 20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. =
name of=20
physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame,etc.) b. first name (see =
above)=20
plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of =
President=20
(Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind =
Lime=20
Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, =
etc.&nbsp;=20
(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.") 21. I don't care how tragic your life: =
if you=20
own a computer, you cannot sing the=20
blues. </DIV></BODY></HTML>

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