[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Michael Meltzer rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org
Fri, 23 Aug 2002 11:07:29 -0400


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(Mumf note: a classic!)

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end
of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of
egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market
in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a
big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke
and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got
ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't
count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt
Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and
her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory
and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a
machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of
100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the
machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed
twenty more with the machete before the blade broke. And
then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of
moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been
drinking."

- submitted by Sandy Fraser

--
A lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around,
then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart
escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to
see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a
sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back,
she finds the salesman standing right next to her.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this
lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are
going to shit when you hear the price."

- submitted by Sue Greene

--
MOODS OF A WOMAN

o An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
o A woman is a bundle of contradiction.
o She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
o But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
o Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
o She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
o She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk.
o She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
o At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad.
o She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN

o Hungry.
o Horny.
o Sleepy

- submitted by Gary Savage

--
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for
about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him
and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called
him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called
him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him,
the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was
parked around the corner...

- submitted by Sue Greene

--
Very Naughty Quickies!

 1. What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
     ---They both wiggle when you eat them.
 2. What is a Yankee?
     ---The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
 3. What do women and condoms have in common?
     ---They both spend more time in your wallet than on
your penis.
 4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
     ---Odor eaters.
 5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
     ---A Lickalotopuss.
 6. Why do men name their penis?
     ---They like to be on a first name basis with the one
making most of their decisions.
 7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
     ---Snowballs.
 8. What does a rooster have that a man wants?
     ---A hard pecker.
 9. What kind of bees give milk?
     ---Boo bees.
10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
     ---Speed bumps.
11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
     ---They both like a tight seal.
12. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
     ---If it were more, it would be Hell.
13. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
     --- The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
14. What is the new gay Internet address?
     ---c: enter
15. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
     ---They're right! We do taste like chicken!
16. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
     ---The balls are just for decoration.
17. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
     ---What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!
18. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
     ---They have no balls to scratch
19. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
     ---Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the
whole chicken.
20. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
     ---About three inches.
21. How do you make a hormone?
     ---Don't pay her.
22. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
     ---A Megasorass.
23. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     ---One -- Men will screw anything.
24. What do Michael Jackson and a grocery bag have in
common?
     ---They are both made of plastic and dangerous for
children to play with.
25. What is the mating call of a blonde?
     --- "I'm sooooo drunk!"

- submitted by Fred Frost


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<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman" =
size=3D3>(Mumf note: a=20
classic!)<BR><BR>The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:=20
Get<BR>their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end<BR>of=20
it.<BR><BR>The next day the kids came back and one by one began to =
tell<BR>their=20
stories<BR><BR>Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot=20
of<BR>egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market<BR>in =
a basket=20
on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a<BR>big bump in the road =
and all=20
the eggs went flying and broke<BR>and made a mess."<BR><BR>"And what's =
the moral=20
of the story?" asked the teacher.<BR><BR>"Don't put all your eggs in one =

basket!"<BR><BR>"Very good," said the teacher.<BR><BR>Next little Sarah =
raised=20
her hand and said, "Our family are<BR>farmers too. But we raise chickens =
for the=20
meat market. We<BR>had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we =
only=20
got<BR>ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't<BR>count =
your=20
chickens before they're hatched."<BR><BR>"That was a fine story=20
Sarah."<BR><BR>"Michael, do you have a story to share?"<BR><BR>"Yes, =
ma'am, my=20
daddy told me this story about my Aunt<BR>Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight =

engineer in Desert Storm and<BR>her plane got hit. She had to bail out =
over=20
enemy territory<BR>and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine =
gun and=20
a<BR>machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it<BR>wouldn't =
break and=20
then she landed right in the middle of<BR>100 enemy troops. She killed =
seventy=20
of them with the<BR>machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she=20
killed<BR>twenty more with the machete before the blade broke. =
And<BR>then she=20
killed the last ten with her bare hands."<BR><BR>"Good heavens," said =
the=20
horrified teacher, "what kind of<BR>moral did your daddy tell you from =
that=20
horrible story?"<BR><BR>"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's=20
been<BR>drinking."<BR><BR>- submitted by Sandy Fraser<BR><BR>--<BR>A =
lady walks=20
into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around,<BR>then spots the =
perfect car=20
and walks over to inspect it. As<BR>she bends to feel the fine leather=20
upholstery, a loud fart<BR>escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks =
around=20
nervously to<BR>see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes=20
a<BR>sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back,<BR>she =
finds the=20
salesman standing right next to her.<BR><BR>"Good day, Madame. How may =
we help=20
you today?"<BR><BR>Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price =
of=20
this<BR>lovely vehicle?"<BR><BR>He answers, "Madame, if you farted just =
touching=20
it, you are<BR>going to shit when you hear the price."<BR><BR>- =
submitted by Sue=20
Greene<BR><BR>--<BR>MOODS OF A WOMAN<BR><BR>o An angel of truth and a =
dream of=20
fiction,<BR>o A woman is a bundle of contradiction.<BR>o She's afraid of =
a wasp,=20
will scream at a mouse,<BR>o But will tackle a stranger alone in the =
house.<BR>o=20
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,<BR>o She'll kiss you one minute, then =
turn up=20
her nose.<BR>o She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk.<BR>o She'll =
be=20
stronger than brandy, milder than milk.<BR>o At times she'll be =
vengeful, merry=20
and sad.<BR>o She'll hate you like poison, and love you like =
mad.<BR><BR>MOODS=20
OF A MAN<BR><BR>o Hungry.<BR>o Horny.<BR>o Sleepy<BR><BR>- submitted by =
Gary=20
Savage<BR><BR>--<BR>I went to the store the other day, I was only in =
there=20
for<BR>about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a =
damn<BR>motorcycle cop=20
writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him<BR>and said, 'Come on =
buddy, how=20
about giving a guy a break?'<BR>He ignored me and continued writing the =
ticket.=20
So I called<BR>him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and =
started<BR>writing=20
another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called<BR>him a horse shit. =
He=20
finished the second ticket and put it<BR>on the car with the first. Then =
he=20
started writing a third<BR>ticket!!<BR><BR>This went on for about 20 =
minutes,=20
the more I abused him,<BR>the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a =
damn. My=20
car was<BR>parked around the corner...<BR><BR>- submitted by Sue=20
Greene<BR><BR>--<BR>Very Naughty Quickies!<BR><BR>&nbsp;1. What do =
Jell-O and a=20
woman have in common?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---They both wiggle =
when you=20
eat them.<BR>&nbsp;2. What is a Yankee?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; =
---The same=20
as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.<BR>&nbsp;3. What do women and =
condoms=20
have in common?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---They both spend more time =
in your=20
wallet than on<BR>your penis.<BR>&nbsp;4. What do you call two skunks =
that are=20
69ing?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---Odor eaters.<BR>&nbsp;5. What do =
you call=20
a lesbian dinosaur?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---A =
Lickalotopuss.<BR>&nbsp;6.=20
Why do men name their penis?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---They like to =
be on a=20
first name basis with the one<BR>making most of their =
decisions.<BR>&nbsp;7.=20
What is the difference between snowmen and=20
snowwomen?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---Snowballs.<BR>&nbsp;8. What =
does a=20
rooster have that a man wants?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---A hard=20
pecker.<BR>&nbsp;9. What kind of bees give =
milk?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
---Boo bees.<BR>10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids=20
as?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---Speed bumps.<BR>11. What do =
Tupperware and a=20
walrus have in common?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---They both like a =
tight=20
seal.<BR>12. Why do only 30% of women get into=20
Heaven?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---If it were more, it would be =
Hell.<BR>13.=20
What has three teeth and sixty feet?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; --- The =
front=20
row at a Willy Nelson concert.<BR>14. What is the new gay Internet=20
address?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---c: enter<BR>15. What did the =
lesbian=20
frog say to the other lesbian frog?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; =
---They're=20
right! We do taste like chicken!<BR>16. What do a Christmas tree and a =
priest=20
have in common?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---The balls are just for=20
decoration.<BR>17. What did the banana say to the=20
vibrator?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---What are YOU shaking for? She's =
going=20
to eat ME!<BR>18. Why do girls rub their eyes in the=20
morning?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---They have no balls to =
scratch<BR>19.=20
What is the difference between erotic and =
kinky?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
---Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the<BR>whole =
chicken.<BR>20.=20
What is the difference between ooooooh and =
aaaaaaah?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
---About three inches.<BR>21. How do you make a=20
hormone?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---Don't pay her.<BR>22. What do =
you call a=20
gay dinosaur?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---A Megasorass.<BR>23. How =
many men=20
does it take to screw in a light bulb?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; =
---One -- Men=20
will screw anything.<BR>24. What do Michael Jackson and a grocery bag =
have=20
in<BR>common?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ---They are both made of =
plastic and=20
dangerous for<BR>children to play with.<BR>25. What is the mating call =
of a=20
blonde?<BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; --- "I'm sooooo drunk!"<BR><BR>- =
submitted=20
by Fred Frost</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>

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