[Rhodes22-list] Stop it - it is hormonal

[Michael Meltzer]

With out "sexiest jokes" I would loose half of my material.

Then I would end of with Statistical jokes like:

Do you know that 99% of people who are constipated do not give a shit :-)

or something like this :-)

  1.. A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave
it alone, it was personal. One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs
and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told
him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box.......... He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad
sermons, that's not bad." His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."


  2.. Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up. After extensive tests the doctor tells him "I'm afraid I have some bad news
for you. You only have six months to live." Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies "That's terrible doctor. But I
must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill." "Ok" says the doctor, "I'll give you a year to live."


  3.. My mother once gave me two sweaters for Chanukah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home,
instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"


  4.. Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right
to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. "Give me some good French wine and French
bread," he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big
plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew's turn. "I
want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew. "Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season!" "Nu, so I'll wait..."


  5.. A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says
to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It
is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would
give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I
want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand
across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls
over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? " The old woman looks
at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."


  6.. Moishe, a lonely widower was walking home along High Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life
when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:"Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside,
standing like a putzel...eh?" Moishe rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and
grabbed Moishe by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Moishe stood in front of an African Grey that
cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" Moishe turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" "Vuh
den? Chinese maybe?" In a matter of moments, Moishe had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in
his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to
America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment
center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store,
how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep. Next morning, Moishe began to put on his tefillin, all the while, saying his
prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Moishe explained, the parrot wanted some too. Moishe went out and
hand-made a miniature set of tefillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to
learn to read Hebrew so Moishe spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Moishe came to
love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved. One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Moishe rose and got dressed
and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Moishe explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot
made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Moishe's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Moishe was
questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but
Moishe convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Moishe. Thousands of
dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African
Grey during services. The parrot perched on Moishe's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Moishe heard not a peep from the bird.
He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can
daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Moishe found that he
owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, extremely angry, saying nothing. Finally several
blocks from the shul the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Moishe stopped and looked at him. "You
miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin and taught you the morning prayers and
taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to
me?" "Don't be silly," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur."


  7.. Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off to his neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog
into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging
furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and commands,
"FETCH!" Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears. Looking
balefully up at his master, he says in a whiny voice..."You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time? Oy! It hurts from so
much wagging! And you think that designer dog food you're feeding me is good? You try it. It's dreck! Too salty And what do you
care? You just push me out the door to take a squirt twice a day. I can't even remember the last time you took me out for a good
walk." The neighbor is amazed. "What the hell is that? Your dog is sitting there talking!" "Oh, I know", explains the dog owner.
"He's young, and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH!"


  8.. A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a "shiksa." The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." "It
doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems." After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business
with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbos," the son replied. The father was surprised: "But we always work on
Saturday. It's our busiest day." "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on
Shabbos." "See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems."


  9.. A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the
occasion. At the and of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes to congratulate him. "Pater Lewis," he said, "That was very well
done, you were just perfect. Just one little thing. Next next time, please don't start your sermon with, 'Fellow goyim...' ".


  10.. A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a
rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from G-d. G-d must have meant that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from G-d." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but
this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely G-d wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands
the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies,
"No...I think I'll wait for the police."


  11.. About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar
from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the
Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a
middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither
side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a
full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope
waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of
wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later,
the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved
my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also
right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind
me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
"What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him
that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying
right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."


  12.. A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas runs up to him and says,"Pardon me, this is a House of Worship! You can't bring
your dog in here." "What do you mean?" says the man, "This is a Jewish dog. Look!" And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in
the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel around its neck, this dog has a tallis bag around his neck. "Spot," says the
man, "Daven!" "Woof!" says the dog, stands up on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a keepa, and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog again, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis, and puts it around his neck. "Woof, woof!" says the dog, takes
out a siddur and starts to daven. "That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to
Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies; you could make a million dollars off of him!" "Oy!" says the man, "You talk
to him. He wants to be a doctor."


  13.. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the
mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your
teacher you want a speaking part!!"


  14.. Q: "How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a burned-out electric light bulb?" A: None: "It's okay, I will sit here in
the dark..."


  15.. Moishe is on his death bed. His wife Rivka comes in and asks if she can do anything for him. Moishe: "There is one thing.
Call a priest." Rivka: "Darling, you're delirious. You mean a Rabbi" Moishe: "I mean a priest. Why send the Rabbi out so late at
night?"


  16.. The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his father's bedside. His father is near death. Father: "Son." Son: "Yes Dad." Father:
(weakly) "Son. That smell. Is Mama making my favorite apple strudel?" Son: "Yes Dad." Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could just
have one more piece of Mama's apple strudel. Would you get me a piece?" Son: "OK, Dad." (Son leaves and walks toward kitchen. After
a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.) Father: "Is that you son?" Son: "Yes Dad." Father: "Did you bring
the apple strudel?" Son: "No Dad." Father: "Why? It's my dying wish!" Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the strudel is for after the
funeral!"


  17.. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so
terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk.
He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet
away. The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a hurricane struck. There were 40-foot high waves, and
the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the
sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port. The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Saturday morning, on the way
home from the synagogue, he saw a very thick wad of $100 bills on the sidewalk. Of course, since it was Shabbat, the rabbi wasn't
able to touch the money. So he prayed to God, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet
around him, it was Thursday.


  18.. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The
minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to
God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps. The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands
outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps. The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the
money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...


  19.. A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving
it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member
with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.


  20.. The rabbi was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish
calendar, and instead go play golf. Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported
it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely. As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game he had ever
played! The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course. Moses turned to God and asked, "I thought you were going to
punish him. Do you call this punishment?!" God replied, "Who can he tell?"


  21.. A Jew is camping in the woods, when she notices a bear 60 feet away. Just as she notices the bear, the bear notices her. The
Jew starts running; the bear follows. She runs as fast as she can, but when she looks back next time, she sees the bear is only 40
feet away. She pushes herself even harder, running and running. The bear is still gaining--only 20 feet to go. She starts running
even harder, but the bear is still catching up with her! When she can't even run anymore, she stops and says a silent prayer to God,
"Please, God, let that be a good Jewish bear!" From less than 10 feet away, she hears the bear mumbling in Hebrew. She is just about
to say a prayer of thanksgiving to God when she catches the end of the bear's mumblings, "...ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz."


  22.. Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery. After a while the
first woman sighed, "Oy!" The others sighed sympathetically. Then the second woman sighed, "Oy Vey!" The others nodded. A third
woman said, "Oy, Gottenyu!" The others nodded as if in agreement. Finally, the fourth woman said, "Enough talk about the children.
Let's go for a walk!"


From: "Kroposki" <kroposki@innova.net>
To: <rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org>; <wwrhodes@rhodes22.com>
Sent: Saturday, November 02, 2002 1:56 PM
Subject: [Rhodes22-list] Stop it - it is hormonal


> Michael:
>            This rancorous exchange has to do with primordial human
> hormonal changes from the change in amount of sunlight.  As days get
> shorter, amounts of sun driven hormones decrease and make humans more
> cantankerous.  That is why we put Election Day where it is.  Throw the
> rascals out syndrome is at it peak.  All these combatants need to read
> 'Sunlight' by Z. R. Kime, M. D.
>            Now we have someone posting sexiest jokes.  Next you will
> loose the female members of the list.  And again look who is edging him
> on saying how good the joke was.
>            Once we get past December 22 then there is a period of
> quiescence.  And the opposite effect begins on human along about March.
> The result is the optimistic effect of spring caused by increasing
> hormonal levels.  Your only hope is for an early spring effect.
>             Ed K
>
>
>
> _________________________________________________
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