[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

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700-year-old picture of 'Mickey Mouse' found in Austrian
church:

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_709660.html

++
If you want to know when to get hold of me, check my
schedule:

http://www.chicagocircle.com/links/my_schedule.html

- from Fred Frost

--
You might be a Canadian Redneck ...

... if most of your clothing has Canadian beer logos on
them.
... if you've ever hummed "Bud the Spud".
... if you've never realized that most of the lyrics in
Gordon Lightfoot's "Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald" don't
rhyme.
... if most of your wardrobe is plaid (including hats).
... if you like the music of Gordon Lightfoot, Stompin' Tom,
or Buffy Sainte Marie.
... if you know who Gordon Lightfoot, Stompin' Tom, or Buffy
Sainte Marie are.
... if you actually like to wear a toque.
... if you have over ten pounds of moose or deer meat in the
freezer at all times.
... if you mix French and English in the same sentence.
(this only applies if you're a Francophone)
... if you've ever been "out and about".
... if you "hang out" at Tim Horton's.
... if you use the words "friggin'" or "arse" or "friggin'
arse" on a regular basis.
... if you have a bumper sticker or an article of clothing
that says "If you're Canadian, show me your beaver."
... if you have a firearm that's been in the family for at
least one generation and name it after the person who
originally owned it -- "Fetch me Grandad's gun, I'm going
hunting, eh."
... if you insist that Americans should know more about
Canada, despite the fact the only part of America that
exists for you is Florida.
... if you have Canadian Tire catalogues in your house.
(Extra points for any "really old" ones.)
... if you find any cartoon beaver funny.
... if you own a pot-bellied stove. (Extra points if it's
"been in the family" for a while.)
... if you only watched "the Beachcombers" to see what Relic
was up to.
... if you know who Relic is.
... if all your recipes are for game meat.
... if you've ever used your kitchen to dress/butcher game,
make "chow" or pickled beets.
... if you had to find out which leaves make good toilet
paper, mainly because you can't use a dollar bill any more.
... if you've told people you were a "government artist",
because you were "drawing" pogey.
... if any beer under 6% is considered good only for pouring
on your "Shreddies" in the morning.
... if your entire French vocabulary was gleaned from cereal
boxes.
... if you think Don Cherry should be Prime Minister, or
better still Minister of Foreign Affairs.
... if you know "jacking deer" isn't a sexual innuendo.
... if you own an ice auger.
... if you have a "good" parka for formal occasions.
... if the main source of heat in your house is a wood
burning stove.
... if you consider Kraft Dinner, ketchup, beer and Crispy
Crunch as the four major food groups.
... if you shop exclusively at Canadian Tire for Christmas
presents.
... if you live in a house that has no front step, even
though if you went out the front door you'd probably plummet
to your death.
... if your snowmobile or chainsaw payments have a higher
priority than your car payments.
... if you think the start of deer season should be a
national holiday.
... if the trunk of your car has ever doubled as a deep
freeze.
... if you will only go camping for a maximum of one night
because your back pack will only holds one two-four.
... if you have more than twenty dollars in Canadian Tire
money.
... if you still sing the "Great White North" them song with
pride "coo-ooh-coocoo-coo-ooh-coocoo".
... if you got pissed when Harold left the Red Green show.
... if you always have a mickey of "CC" or "Captain Morgan's
Dark" on you.
... if you think whoever invented de-alcoholized beer should
have been strangled at birth.
... if you consider the theme song of Hockey Night In Canada
to be Canada's second official National Anthem.

++
Only In Cana-Duh ...

... can a high school drop out become a Provincial Minister
of Education.
... the only would-be assassin of a Prime Minister, in
recent memory, was a guy with a jack-knife. What's worse,
they assailant was held at bay by his wife!
... will a guy hijack -- a bus.
... does the Gage Canadian Dictionary have the word "eh".
... can another country display our national flag upside
down, on nationwide television, and instead of it becoming
an international incident, it gets turned into a joke
t-shirt that says, "This way up, eh."
... can a minor official in a provincial fisheries ministry
openly challenge the United States of America (the world's
last remaining super power) by drawing a figurative line in
the sand by saying, "You want our salmon? Come get them, if
you're man enough."
... will the government remove the word "Armed" out of the
Canadian Armed Forces because it sounds too militaristic.
... will people pay allegiance to a Queen they don't even
know, because it's better than liking the guy THEY voted
for.
... would a guy take the Federal Government to court for not
living up to campaign promises.
... would the Supreme Court of Canada rule that politicians
are not responsible for the promises they make in an effort
to get elected. (thereby, in effect, officially entering
into law, that all politicians are liars)
... would the Federal Government withdraw paper one dollar
bills from circulation, and destroy them, in an effort to
make the public use the new one dollar coin, despite the
public outcry.
... would they call the coin, the "loonie".
... after learning from their mistakes and hearing the
public outcry about the one dollar coin, the Federal
Government does the same thing with the two dollar bill.
... would the unoriginal name of "toonie" be given to the
two dollar coin. (because, logically, it rhymes with
"loonie".)
... would the money have the faces of famous politicians
(like the Americans do) but no one knows who the hell they
are.
... would the father of our country be a gin-swilling
drunkard. And we're proud of that.
... does someone have to make a name for themselves in the
US to be noticed by Canadians. Despite the fact that their
achievements in Canada were no better, or were exactly the
same achievements as those in the States.
... can people actually forget all of this nonsense and have
the balls to make fun of Americans.

++
If you've ever wondered which 50 things about Canada you
need to know, here they are:

http://www.durtydan.com/ddcc/50things.html

- from John Raso, our Canadian Correspondent (eh?)

--
www.crazyhorsemen.com/secret/org-calc/org-calc.swf

- from Sue Greene

--

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