[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

http://www.smilepop.com/index.cfm?action=viewcard&content_id
=302&page_id=302

- from Sue Greene

--
The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm
when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it
into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean
every time one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so
salty... just a thought for the next time your at the beach.

- from Carol Bagshaw

--
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was
different each week, so the magician did the same tricks
over and over again. There was one problem...

The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the
show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" Or, "Look, he's hiding
the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards
the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was,
after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle
of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They
stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back
and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

- from Sandy Fraser

--
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's
court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the
penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for
Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would
cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the
scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching
powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere
while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching
commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this
incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen
that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would
cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only
the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the
antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio
the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the
antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into
his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked
passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent
breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the
Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found
Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold
coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon
Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the
Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed
him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose
of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The
King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Pay your bills!

- from Kevin "The Pool Menace" Haggerty

--
A group of professional people posed this question to a
group of 4- to 8-year olds: "What does love mean?" The
answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could
have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over
and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it
for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.
That's love."
 Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
 Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on
shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
 Karl - age 5

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
 Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste
is OK."
 Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you
stop opening presents and listen,"
 Bobby - age 5

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with
a friend whom you hate."
 Nikka - age 6

"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God
makes both kinds of them."
 Jenny - age 4

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he
wears it everyday."
 Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who
are still friends even after they know each other so well."
 Tommy - age 6

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone
else kissing me to sleep at night."
 Clare - Age 5

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
 Elaine - age 5

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
 Chris - age 8

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left
him alone all day."
 Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all
her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
 Lauren - age 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only
picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby
sister because I love her."
 Bethany - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you."
 Karen - age 7

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't
think it's gross."
 Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget,"
 Jessica - age 8

--
Naturale* (2)_1.jpg are from Dave Houpert

jaylobj.wmv from Carol Bagshaw

--