[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

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 farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster
to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster
straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says
"OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these
chickens... look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle
about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to
take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the
two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you,"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up!
I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the
young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have
a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race
gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why
not give me a little head start?"

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still
beat you."

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to
cluck, "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15
seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They
round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is
only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's
going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM - he shoots the young
rooster dead.

He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife, "Son of a
gun, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

- from Gary Savage

--
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs.
Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got
married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called
"Yam."

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time,
they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about
going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get
accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like
"Hot Potato," and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam
said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and
make a rotten potato out of her. But on the other hand she
wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She
would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her
Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to
watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the
greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when
she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she
wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the
straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high
class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the
tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,
"Frito Lay." (Mumf query: not to correct, or anything, but
isn't the main ingredient in Frito's corn?)

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P. U. (that's Potato
University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in
the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam
came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told
Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just
a...









Are you ready for this?










Are you sure?










OK! Here it is!



















... a Common Tater!

- from Sara Fleming, who is cool despite her relocation to
Tucson, AZ

--
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist
asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles". So she took down
his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him
to have a seat.

A few minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked him
what he had. He said, "Shingles". So she took down his
height, weight and a complete medical history and told him
to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles". So she gave him a blood test, a blood
pressure test and an electrocardiogram and told him to take
off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what
he had.

He said, "Shingles".

The doctor said, "Where"?

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

++
That's Amore

 When the moon hits your eye
 Like a big pizza pie
 That's amore.

 When an eel bites your hand
 And that's not what you planned
 That's a moray.

 When our habits are strange
 And our customs deranged
 That's our mores.

 When your horse munches straw
 And the bales total four
 That's some more hay.

 When Othello's poor wife
 becomes stabbed with a knife
 That's a Moor, eh?

 When a Japanese knight
 Used his sword in a fight
 That's Samurai.

 When your sheep go to graze
 In a damp marshy place,
 That's a moor, eh?

 When your boat comes home fine
 And you tied up her line
 That's a moor, eh?

 When you ace your last tests
 Like you did all the rest
 That's some more As!

 When on Mt. Cook you see
 An aborigine,
 That's a Maori.

 Alley Oop's homeland has
 A space gun with pizzazz,
 That's a Moo ray....

 A comedian-ham
 With the name Amsterdam
 That's a Morey.

 When your chocolate graham
 Is so full and so crammed
 That's smore.

 When you've had quite enough
 Of this dumb rhyming stuff
 That's "No more!, eh?"

++
HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of
China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was
in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new
leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on
the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass
of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy
at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the
phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.
Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the
Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

- from Sandy Fraser

--

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