[Rhodes22-list] Thanksgiving dinner at the Haslett/Shen house

[Steve]

Good one, Brad.
Steve

--- brad haslett <flybrad@yahoo.com> wrote:
> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this 
> Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't 
> act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming,
> I've
> made a few small changes: 
>  
> Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper 
> bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided
> that
> 
> no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch 
> sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect. 
>  
> Once inside, our guests will note that the entry
> hall
> is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and
> fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've
> gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having
> them track in colorful autumn leaves from the 
> front yard. The mud was their idea. The dining table
> will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy 
> china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use
> dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. 
> 
> Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from
> using
> the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins
> from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be the
> tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised.
> Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like 
> decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction
> paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey. 
> 
> We will be dining fashionably late. The children
> will
> entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be
> happy to share every choice comment I have made
> regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey
> hotline. Please remember that most of these comments
> were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the
> turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. 
> 
> As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will
> play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children
> should mention that I don't own a recording of
> tribal
> drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds
> suspiciously
> like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore
> them. 
> They are lying. 
> 
> We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver
> bell
> to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we
> chose to keep our traditional method. We've also
> decided against a formal seating arrangement. When
> the
> smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table
> and
> sit where you like. 
> 
> In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children
> to
> sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next
> door. 
>  
> Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person
> carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative
> onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner.
> For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a
> private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do 
> not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to
> laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting
> children
> to check on my progress. I have an electric knife.
> The
> turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will
> eventually win. When I do, we will eat. 
> 
> I would like to take this opportunity to remind my
> young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a
> football play. Nor is it a request to bean your
> sister
> in the head with warm tasty bread. 
> 
> Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the
> duration
> of the meal, and especially while in the presence of
> young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by
> its
> lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner
> questions you regarding the origins or type of
> Cheese 
> Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains. 
> 
> Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead
> of
> offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious
> desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin
> pie, garnished with whipped cream and small
> fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it
> or
> 
> leave it. 
> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
> Thanksgiving. She 
> probably won't come next year either. 
> 
>  I am thankful. 
> 
>  
> 
> 
> ]  
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> 
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