[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his
forehead.

- from Sandy Fraser

--
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The
husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go to
the pub and drink/socialize with his mates, so he says to
his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the pub, pretty face. I'm going to have a
beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she
opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25
different kinds of beer- brands from 12 different countries:
Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc as well as a full range
of Australian beers.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that
he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the
pub.... you know... the frozen glass..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife
interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy
face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so
frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll,
but at the pub they have those bar snacks that are really
delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?"

"You want snacks poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes
out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the pub...you know...the jokes;
swearing, the dirty words and all that..."

"You want some dirty words cutie pie?...here,

SIT THE FUCK DOWN - DRINK YOUR FUCKIN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN
FUCKIN' MUG - EAT YOUR FUCKIN' SNACKS - YOU AREN'T GOING TO
THE FUCKIN' BAR !!! GOT IT, ASSHOLE ?!?!"

++
An Italian boy and a Jewish boy, lived about a block apart
in the neighborhood and grew up together. The Jewish boy was
the son of a Jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a
hit man. Oddly enough, they had the same birthday.

For their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy received a
Rolex watch and the little Italian boy received a 22
Beretta. The next day, they are out on the street corner
comparing their presents and neither is happy, so they
switch gifts with each other. The little Italian boy goes
home to show his Father and his Father is NOT pleased.

"What are you, nuts? Let me tell you something, you idiot!
Someday you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna
settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all
that stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find
your wife in bed with another man. What the hell ya gonna
do? Look at your watch and say -- 'Hey, times up!!"

++
(Mumf note: a classic!)

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson
Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the
gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward
is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want
to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne
Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God,
"Hey, aren't you the inventor of women?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention." God was somewhat
taken back, and when He asked what the flaws might be,
Arthur Davidson produced a list for Him to read.

 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end
protrusions
 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and
finally,
 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there and it may be
true that My invention is flawed... " God said to Arthur.
"But the last time that I checked, more men are riding My
invention than yours

- from Sue Greene

--
1 - Andy Rooney on Vegetarians

'Vegetarian' - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy
hunter'"

=================================
2 - Andy Rooney On Prisoners

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to
house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece
I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los
Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think
we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill
and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run,
they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the
generator.

=================================
3- Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff
was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing,
then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away.
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We
can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh
scent out of your clothes.

==================================
4- Andy Rooney On Morning Differences

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up
aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up
and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he
want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we
can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic
nerve.

===============================
5- Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls

You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like
18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up
and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
(Says Into Phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.)
Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're
not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

===============================
6- Andy Rooney On Cripes

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.'
Who would that be; Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the
church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I
wanna burn in 'Heck'?

===============================
7- Andy Rooney On Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,
'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your
grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl
contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday.

===============================
8- Andy Rooney On Answering Machines

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on
someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm
out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought
for the day is 'Share the love'." Beep. "Uh, yeah... this is
the VD clinic calling... Speaking of being positive, your
test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

====================================================
9-Andy Rooney on Research

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent
on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's
Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there
will be a large number of people wandering around with huge
breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with
them.

- from Scott "I Have a Harley for Sale" Beattie

--
I am passing this on to you--- It is definitely working for
me. I think I have found inner peace.

I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace
is to FINISH things I had started. Today I finished 2 bags
of potato chips, a cherry pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's, a
small box of chocolate candy and strangled the living crap
out of someone I didn't like.

I feel better already. Pass this along to those who need it.

- from Corrine Garneau

--