[Rhodes22-list] jokes
Michael Meltzer
mjm@michaelmeltzer.com
Fri, 20 Sep 2002 11:23:51 -0400
This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
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What's Your "Southern" Sign? Some of us (especially
Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has
become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols:
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on
the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra
can look back over his life and see the seeds of his
influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however,
can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots
of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can
erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and
Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with
the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep
into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are
very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger.
Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't
worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front
porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of
Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should
marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the
idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to
think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.
POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a
marked tendency to withdraw and develop a
don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so
withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy
is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work
for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find
your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're
always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the
beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the
bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly
attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get
in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the
essence of those round them. Collards make good social
workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as
your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from
Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of
heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart,
although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer
the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all
else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You
like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You
love to travel though, so maybe you should think about
joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have
cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go
somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you
well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and
loved ones -- may find that your personality is much too
salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply
because you are really much softer than you appear. You
should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because
in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of
life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and
stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along
well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no
matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody.
However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon
Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - DEC 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are
actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends,
a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a
throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and
trends. You're not concerned with anything about today.
You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and
behavior patterns. You probably won't want to marry another
Armadillo, but Possum is another possibility.
- submitted by Kevin Haggerty
--
Check this out... it's the Harry Potter broomstick toy. The
child is to hold the vibrating broomstick between his or her
legs and ride around. Moms who bought the toy say their
daughters LOVE it, and even older sisters play with it in
their rooms for hours! (make sure you scroll to see many
naive mom comments.)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005NEBW
- submitted by Sandy "I Use it Too" Fraser
--
Mrs. Ward (Mumf query: Diane?) goes to the doctor's office
to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to
her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up
and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your
husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward (Mumf
query: Jamie?) were sent as well and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or
terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and
the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband is."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs.
Ward.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for
these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with
him."
- submitted by Kevin Haggerty
--
The American tourist in Mexico got the shock of his life
when a Mexican with a six-shooter jumped out from behind a
cactus.
"Take my money, my car, but don't kill me," said the
tourist.
"I no kill you if you do what I say," said the Mexican.
"Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered.
Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. "Right,
now do it again." said the Mexican.
The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose,
he managed again.
"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."
With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final
effort and fell exhausted.
"Good" said the Mexican, "now you give my sister a ride to
the next village."
- submitted by Sandy Fraser
--
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American
liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that
the following warning labels be placed immediately on all
containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think
you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at
four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
can logically converse with other members of the opposite
sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your
ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll
over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower
back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking
than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance
in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem
to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
- submitted by Kevin Haggerty
--
This guy goes into a bar and meets a woman. After a few
drinks she starts bragging that she has the worlds largest
pussy! The guy doesn't believe her, so he asks her to prove
it (thinking he might get some even if she is wrong).
So they go to her place, and they start right in. She says
to him "Go ahead, put your finger in there."
He says "Wow, this is really big!"
She says "Go ahead, put your hand in there."
He says "Wow, this is really big!"
She says, "Go ahead, put both hands in there."
He says "Wow, this is really big!"
She says "Go ahead, put your arms in there."
He says "Wow, this is really big!"
She says "Go ahead, put your head in there."
He says "Wow, this is really big!"
She says, "Go ahead, climb in."
He gets a flashlight, and proceeds to climb in. As he's
walking around he keeps saying "Wow, this is really big!"
After a little while, he bumps into something and drops his
flashlight, and it goes out. As he's down on his hands and
knees searching for it, he bumps into another guy. He says
to him "Help me find my flashlight and we can find our way
out of here."
The other guy responds, "Help me find the keys to my Jeep
and we can DRIVE out of here"!!!
- submitted by Tim Corcoran
--
I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if
telephone solicitors weren't able to call people at home
during dinner hour. But that doesn't make it any more
pleasant.
Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco
Chronicle, has proposed "Three Little Words" based on his
brief experience in a telemarketing operation that would
stop the nuisance for all time. The three little words are
"Hold On, Please." Saying this while putting down your phone
and walking off instead of hanging up immediately would make
each telemarketing call so time-consuming that boiler rooms
would grind to a halt.
When you eventually hear the phone company's beep-beep-beep
tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your
handset, which has efficiently completed its task. This
might be one of those articles you'll want to e-mail to your
friends. Three little words that eliminate telephone
soliciting.
- submitted by John Redfield
---------------------- multipart/alternative attachment
What's Your=20 "Southern" Sign? Some of us (especially
Southerners) are pretty = skeptical of=20 horoscopes, and it has
become obvious that what we need are = "Southern"=20 symbols:
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you = are=20 actually very slick on
the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. = An older=20 Okra
can look back over his life and see the seeds of = his
influence=20 everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb=20 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however,
can = make=20 something of himself if he's motivated and has lots
of seasoning. In = dealing=20 with Chitlins, be careful. They can
erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are = best=20 with Catfish and
Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You = have an=20 overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with
the surface of = things, and=20 you feel the need to bore deep
into the interior of everything. = Needless to=20 say, you are
very intense and driven as if you had some inner=20 hunger.
Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so = don't
worry=20 about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that = spends a lot=20 of time on the front
porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical = appearance=20 of
Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You = should
marry=20 anybody who you can get remotely interested in the
idea. It's not = going to be=20 easy. This might be the year to
think about aerobics. Or - maybe=20 not.
POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's=20 difficulties, possums have a
marked tendency to withdraw and develop=20 a
don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become = so
withdrawn,=20 people actually think you're dead. This strategy
is probably not=20 psychologically healthy, but seems to work
for you. One day, however, = it=20 won't work and you may find
your problems actually running you=20 over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If = you=20 work in an office, you're
always hanging around the water cooler. = Crawfish=20 prefer the
beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course,=20 the
bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not = particularly
attractive=20 physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 = - July=20 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get
in = the=20 melting pot of life and share their essence with the
essence of those = round=20 them. Collards make good social
workers, psychologists, and baseball=20 managers. As far as
your personal life goes, if you are Collards, = stay away=20 from
Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot=20 of
heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are=20 traditionalists in matters of the heart,
although one's whiskers may = cause=20 problems for loved ones.
You catfish are never easy people to = understand. You=20 prefer
the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above = all
else,=20 Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept = 23)
Your=20 highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You
like to huddle = together=20 with a big crowd of other Grits. You
love to travel though, so maybe = you=20 should think about
joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere = they=20 have
cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can = go
somewhere=20 where they have all these things, that serves you
well.
BOILED = PEANUTS=20 (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow=20 man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends = and
loved ones=20 -- may find that your personality is much too
salty, and their = criticism will=20 probably affect you deeply
because you are really much softer than = you=20 appear. You
should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to = because
in=20 a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of
life, you can = be sure=20 that people will always pull over and
stop for you.
BUTTER = BEAN (Oct=20 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get=20 along
well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be = proud.
You've=20 grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no
matter what the = setting.=20 You can sit next to anybody.
However, you, too, shouldn't have = anything to do=20 with Moon
Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - DEC 21)
You have a = tendency to=20 develop a tough exterior, but you are
actually quite gentle. A good = evening=20 for you? Old friends,
a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. = You are=20 a
throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions = and
trends. You're=20 not concerned with anything about today.
You're really almost = prehistoric in=20 your interests and
behavior patterns. You probably won't want to = marry=20 another
Armadillo, but Possum is another possibility.
- = submitted by=20 Kevin Haggerty
--
Check this out... it's the Harry Potter = broomstick=20 toy. The
child is to hold the vibrating broomstick between his or = her
legs=20 and ride around. Moms who bought the toy say their
daughters LOVE it, = and=20 even older sisters play with it in
their rooms for hours! (make sure = you=20 scroll to see many
naive mom comments.)
[1]http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005NEBW
=
- submitted by Sandy "I Use it Too"=20 Fraser
--
Mrs. Ward (Mumf query: Diane?) goes to the doctor's=20 office
to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says = to
her,=20 "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up
and we have a = problem. When we sent the samples from your
husband to the lab, the = samples=20 from another Mr. Ward (Mumf
query: Jamie?) were sent as well and we = are now=20 uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad=20 or
terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward = asked.
"Well, one=20 Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and
the other for AIDS. = We can't=20 tell which your husband is."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test = over?"=20 questioned Mrs.
Ward.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and = they=20 won't pay for
these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, = what am I=20 supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your = husband off=20 in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep=20 with
him."
- submitted by Kevin Haggerty
--
The = American=20 tourist in Mexico got the shock of his life
when a Mexican with a = six-shooter=20 jumped out from behind a
cactus.
"Take my money, my car, but = don't=20 kill me," said the
tourist.
"I no kill you if you do what I = say," said=20 the Mexican.
"Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he=20 ordered.
Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. = "Right,
now=20 do it again." said the Mexican.
The Yank protested but with the = gun=20 against his nose,
he managed again.
"And yet again, Gringo, or = I shoot=20 you dead."
With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a=20 final
effort and fell exhausted.
"Good" said the Mexican, "now = you=20 give my sister a ride to
the next village."
- submitted by = Sandy=20 Fraser
--
Due to increasing products liability litigation,=20 American
liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion = that
the=20 following warning labels be placed immediately on=20 all
containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:=20 The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what the hell = happened to=20 your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think=20 you
are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption = of=20 alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like a retard.
WARNING: = The=20 consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
your friends over and = over again=20 that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause = you to=20 think
you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may = lead you=20 to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them=20 at
four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol = may make=20 you think you
can logically converse with other members of the=20 opposite
sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of = alcohol may=20 make you think you
have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you = getting=20 your
ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause = you to=20 roll
over in the morning and see something really = scary.
WARNING: The=20 consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns = on the=20 forehead, knees and lower
back.
WARNING: The consumption of = alcohol=20 may create the illusion
that you are tougher, smarter, faster and = better=20 looking
than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol = may lead=20 you to believe
you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of = alcohol=20 may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: = The=20 consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance
in the time-space = continuum,=20 whereby gaps of time may seem
to literally disappear.
WARNING: = The=20 consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
- submitted by Kevin=20 Haggerty
--
This guy goes into a bar and meets a woman. After = a=20 few
drinks she starts bragging that she has the worlds = largest
pussy! The=20 guy doesn't believe her, so he asks her to prove
it (thinking he = might get=20 some even if she is wrong).
So they go to her place, and they = start right=20 in. She says
to him "Go ahead, put your finger in there."
He = says=20 "Wow, this is really big!"
She says "Go ahead, put your hand in=20 there."
He says "Wow, this is really big!"
She says, "Go = ahead,=20 put both hands in there."
He says "Wow, this is really = big!"
She=20 says "Go ahead, put your arms in there."
He says "Wow, this is = really=20 big!"
She says "Go ahead, put your head in there."
He says = "Wow,=20 this is really big!"
She says, "Go ahead, climb in."
He = gets a=20 flashlight, and proceeds to climb in. As he's
walking around he keeps = saying=20 "Wow, this is really big!"
After a little while, he bumps into = something and=20 drops his
flashlight, and it goes out. As he's down on his hands = and
knees=20 searching for it, he bumps into another guy. He says
to him "Help me = find my=20 flashlight and we can find our way
out of here."
The other guy = responds, "Help me find the keys to my Jeep
and we can DRIVE out of=20 here"!!!
- submitted by Tim Corcoran
--
I suppose some = degree=20 of commerce would grind to a halt if
telephone solicitors weren't = able to=20 call people at home
during dinner hour. But that doesn't make it any=20 more
pleasant.
Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San=20 Francisco
Chronicle, has proposed "Three Little Words" based on = his
brief=20 experience in a telemarketing operation that would
stop the nuisance = for all=20 time. The three little words are
"Hold On, Please." Saying this while = putting=20 down your phone
and walking off instead of hanging up immediately = would=20 make
each telemarketing call so time-consuming that boiler = rooms
would=20 grind to a halt.
When you eventually hear the phone company's=20 beep-beep-beep
tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up=20 your
handset, which has efficiently completed its task. This
might = be one=20 of those articles you'll want to e-mail to your
friends. Three little = words=20 that eliminate telephone
soliciting.
- submitted by John=20 Redfield
References
1. 3D"http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005NEBW"
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