[Rhodes22-list] jokes
Steve
rhodes2282@yahoo.com
Fri, 20 Sep 2002 14:18:46 -0700 (PDT)
I just don't know about this Butter Bean. I think I
prefer Scorpio.
Steve
--- Michael Meltzer <mjm@michaelmeltzer.com>
wrote:
> What's Your "Southern" Sign? Some of us
(especially
> Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes,
and
> it has
> become obvious that what we need are
"Southern"
> symbols:
>
> OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
> Although you appear crude, you are actually very
> slick on
> the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An
> older Okra
> can look back over his life and see the seeds of
his
> influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
>
> CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
> Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin,
> however,
> can make something of himself if he's motivated
and
> has lots
> of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be
careful.
> They can
> erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with
Catfish
> and
> Okra.
>
> BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
> You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're
> unsatisfied with
> the surface of things, and you feel the need to
bore
> deep
> into the interior of everything. Needless to say,
> you are
> very intense and driven as if you had some inner
> hunger.
> Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you,
so
> don't
> worry about it.
>
> MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
> You're the type that spends a lot of time on the
> front
> porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical
> appearance of
> Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here.
You
> should
> marry anybody who you can get remotely interested
in
> the
> idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be
the
> year to
> think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.
>
> POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
> When confronted with life's difficulties, possums
> have a
> marked tendency to withdraw and develop a
> don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you
> become so
> withdrawn, people actually think you're dead.
This
> strategy
> is probably not psychologically healthy, but
seems
> to work
> for you. One day, however, it won't work and you
may
> find
> your problems actually running you over.
>
> CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
> Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an
office,
> you're
> always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish
> prefer the
> beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf
course,
> the
> bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not
> particularly
> attractive physically, but you have very, very
good
> heads.
>
> COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
> Collards have a genius for communication. They
love
> to get
> in the melting pot of life and share their
essence
> with the
> essence of those round them. Collards make good
> social
> workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As
> far as
> your personal life goes, if you are Collards,
stay
> away from
> Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a
lot
> of
> heartache.
>
> CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
> Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the
heart,
> although one's whiskers may cause problems for
loved
> ones.
> You catfish are never easy people to understand.
You
> prefer
> the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life.
> Above all
> else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
>
> GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
> Your highest aim is to be with others like
yourself.
> You
> like to huddle together with a big crowd of other
> Grits. You
> love to travel though, so maybe you should think
> about
> joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere
> they have
> cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If
you
> can go
> somewhere where they have all these things, that
> serves you
> well.
>
> BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
> You have a passionate desire to help your fellow
> man.
> Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your
> friends and
> loved ones -- may find that your personality is
much
> too
> salty, and their criticism will probably affect
you
> deeply
> because you are really much softer than you
appear.
> You
> should go right ahead and marry anybody you want
to
> because
> in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the
> road of
> life, you can be sure that people will always
pull
> over and
> stop for you.
>
> BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
> Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans
get
> along
> well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean,
should
> be proud.
> You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at
> home no
> matter what the setting. You can sit next to
> anybody.
> However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do
> with Moon
> Pies.
>
> ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - DEC 21)
> You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior,
but
> you are
> actually quite gentle. A good evening for you?
Old
> friends,
> a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You
> are a
> throwback. You're not concerned with today's
> fashions and
> trends. You're not concerned with anything about
> today.
> You're really almost prehistoric in your
interests
> and
> behavior patterns. You probably won't want to
marry
> another
> Armadillo, but Possum is another possibility.
>
> - submitted by Kevin Haggerty
>
> --
> Check this out... it's the Harry Potter
broomstick
> toy. The
> child is to hold the vibrating broomstick between
> his or her
> legs and ride around. Moms who bought the toy say
> their
> daughters LOVE it, and even older sisters play
with
> it in
> their rooms for hours! (make sure you scroll to
see
> many
> naive mom comments.)
>
>
> http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00005NEBW
>
> - submitted by Sandy "I Use it Too"
Fraser
>
> --
> Mrs. Ward (Mumf query: Diane?) goes to the
doctor's
> office
> to collect her husband's test results. The lab
tech
> says to
> her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a
bit of
> a mix-up
> and we have a problem. When we sent the samples
from
> your
> husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr.
> Ward (Mumf
> query: Jamie?) were sent as well and we are now
> uncertain
> which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is
either
> bad or
> terrible."
>
> "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
>
> "Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for
> Alzheimer's and
> the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your
husband
> is."
>
> "That's terrible! Can we do the test
over?"
> questioned Mrs.
> Ward.
>
> "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they
won't
> pay for
> these expensive tests more than once."
>
> "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
>
> "The HMO recommends that you drop your
husband off
> in the
> middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
> sleep with
> him."
>
> - submitted by Kevin Haggerty
>
> --
> The American tourist in Mexico got the shock of
his
> life
> when a Mexican with a six-shooter jumped out from
> behind a
> cactus.
>
> "Take my money, my car, but don't kill
me," said the
> tourist.
>
> "I no kill you if you do what I say,"
said the
> Mexican.
> "Just unzip your pants and start
masturbating," he
> ordered.
> Although shocked, the tourist did what he was
told.
> "Right,
> now do it again." said the Mexican.
>
> The Yank protested but with the gun against his
> nose,
> he managed again.
>
> "And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you
dead."
>
> With sweat running down his brow, the yank
managed a
> final
> effort and fell exhausted.
>
> "Good" said the Mexican, "now you
give my sister a
> ride to
> the next village."
>
> - submitted by Sandy Fraser
>
> --
> Due to increasing products liability litigation,
> American
> liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's
> suggestion that
> the following warning labels be placed
immediately
> on all
> containers:
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
> wondering
> what the hell happened to your bra.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
> think you
> are whispering when you are not.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
> factor in
> dancing like a retard.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to
> tell
> your friends over and over again that you love
them.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to
> think
> you can sing.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to
> believe
> that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone
> them at
> four in the morning.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
> think you
> can logically converse with other members of the
> opposite
> sex without spitting.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
> think you
> have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you
> getting your
> ass kicked.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you
to
> roll
> over in the morning and see something really
scary.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the
leading
> cause of
> inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and
> lower
> back.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create
the
> illusion
> that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better
> looking
> than most people.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to
> believe
> you are invisible.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to
> think
> people are laughing WITH you.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a
> disturbance
> in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time
> may seem
> to literally disappear.
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
> pregnancy.
>
> - submitted by Kevin Haggerty
>
> --
> This guy goes into a bar and meets a woman. After
a
> few
> drinks she starts bragging that she has the
worlds
> largest
> pussy! The guy doesn't believe her, so he asks
her
> to prove
> it (thinking he might get some even if she is
> wrong).
>
> So they go to her place, and they start right in.
> She says
> to him "Go ahead, put your finger in
there."
>
> He says "Wow, this is really big!"
>
> She says "Go ahead, put your hand in
there."
>
> He says "Wow, this is really big!"
>
> She says, "Go ahead, put both hands in
there."
>
> He says "Wow, this is really big!"
>
> She says "Go ahead, put your arms in
there."
>
> He says "Wow, this is really big!"
>
> She says "Go ahead, put your head in
there."
>
> He says "Wow, this is really big!"
>
> She says, "Go ahead, climb in."
>
> He gets a flashlight, and proceeds to climb in.
As
> he's
> walking around he keeps saying "Wow, this is
really
> big!"
> After a little while, he bumps into something and
> drops his
> flashlight, and it goes out. As he's down on his
> hands and
> knees searching for it, he bumps into another
guy.
> He says
> to him "Help me find my flashlight and we can
find
> our way
> out of here."
>
> The other guy responds, "Help me find the
keys to my
> Jeep
> and we can DRIVE out of here"!!!
>
> - submitted by Tim Corcoran
>
> --
> I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to
a
> halt if
> telephone solicitors weren't able to call people
at
> home
> during dinner hour. But that doesn't make it any
> more
> pleasant.
>
> Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San
Francisco
> Chronicle, has proposed "Three Little
Words" based
> on his
> brief experience in a telemarketing operation
that
> would
> stop the nuisance for all time. The three little
> words are
> "Hold On, Please." Saying this while
putting down
> your phone
> and walking off instead of hanging up immediately
> would make
> each telemarketing call so time-consuming that
> boiler rooms
> would grind to a halt.
>
> When you eventually hear the phone company's
> beep-beep-beep
> tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up
your
> handset, which has efficiently completed its
task.
> This
> might be one of those articles you'll want to
e-mail
> to your
> friends. Three little words that eliminate
telephone
> soliciting.
>
> - submitted by John Redfield
>
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