[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

We've got the dirt on guy brains

by Dave Barry

I like to think that I am a modest person. (I also like to think that I look
like Brad Pitt naked, but that is not the issue here.)

There comes a time, however, when a person must toot his own personal horn,
and for me, that time is now. A new book has confirmed a theory that I first
proposed in 1987, in a column explaining why men are physically unqualified
to do housework. The problem, I argued, is that men -- because of a tragic
genetic flaw -- cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support
agriculture. This puts men at a huge disadvantage against women, who can
detect a single dirt molecule 20 feet away.

This is why a man and a woman can both be looking at the same bathroom
commode, and the man -- hindered by Male Genetic Dirt Blindness (MGDB) --
will perceive the commode surface as being clean enough for heart surgery or
even meat slicing; whereas the woman can't even see the commode, only a
teeming, commode-shaped swarm of bacteria. A woman can spend two hours
cleaning a toothbrush holder and still not be totally satisfied; whereas if
you ask a man to clean the entire New York City subway system, he'll go down
there with a bottle of Windex and a single paper towel, then emerge 25
minutes later, weary but satisfied with a job well done.

When I wrote about Male Genetic Dirt Blindness, many irate readers
complained that I was engaging in sexist stereotyping, as well as making
lame excuses for the fact that men are lazy pigs. All of these irate readers
belonged to a gender that I will not identify here, other than to say: Guess
what, ladies? There is now scientific proof that I was right.

This proof appears in a new book titled What Could He Be Thinking? How a
Man's Mind Really Works. I have not personally read this book, because, as a
journalist, I am too busy writing about it. But according to an article by
Reuters, the book states that a man's brain "takes in less sensory detail
than a woman's, so he doesn't see or even feel the dust and household mess
in the same way." Got that? We can't see or feel the mess! We're like: "What
snow tires in the dining room? Oh, those snow tires in the dining room."

And this is only one of the differences between men's and women's brains.
Another difference involves a brain part called the "cingulate gyrus," which
is the sector where emotions are located. The Reuters article does not
describe the cingulate gyrus, but presumably in women it is a structure the
size of a mature cantaloupe, containing a vast quantity of complex,
endlessly recalibrated emotional data involving hundreds, perhaps thousands
of human relationships; whereas in men it is basically a cashew filled with
NFL highlights.

In any event, it turns out that women's brains secrete more of the chemicals
"oxytocin" and "serotonin," which, according to biologists, cause humans to
feel they have an inadequate supply of shoes. No, seriously, these chemicals
cause humans to want to bond with other humans, which is why women like to
share their feelings. Some women (and here I am referring to my wife) can
share as many as three days' worth of feelings about an event that took
eight seconds to actually happen. We men, on the other hand, are reluctant
to share our feelings, in large part because we often don't have any.
Really. Ask any guy: A lot of the time, when we look like we're thinking, we
just have this low-level humming sound in our brains. That's why, in
male-female conversations, the male part often consists entirely of him
going "hmmmm." This frustrates the woman, who wants to know what he's really
thinking. In fact, what he's thinking is, literally, "hmmmm."

So anyway, according to the Reuters article, when a man, instead of sharing
feelings with his mate, chooses to lie on the sofa, holding the remote
control and monitoring 750 television programs simultaneously by changing
the channel every one-half second (pausing slightly longer for programs that
feature touchdowns, fighting, shooting, car crashes or bosoms) his mate
should not come to the mistaken conclusion that he is an insensitive jerk.
In fact, he is responding to scientific biological brain chemicals that
require him to behave this way for scientific reasons, as detailed in the
scientific book What Could He Be Thinking? How a Man's Mind Really Works,
which I frankly cannot recommend highly enough.

In conclusion, no way was that pass interference.

 - from Sue Greene

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Bargain Children's Books

 1. You Are Different, and That's Bad
 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
 3. Dad's New Wife, Robert
 4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
 6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
 7. Bobby Was So Bad His Mom Stopped Loving Him
 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
 9. All Cats go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends? A
See-for-Yourself Book
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
(Mumf note: I think you have to be from the Houston area to relate to
these...)

Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for
the Houston area market:

River Oaks Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at The Avenues Mall.
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a long-haired
foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without
tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with
"augmented" version.

Kingwood Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice
of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and has no full
time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold
separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

4th Ward Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a
Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This
model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably
small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we don't know what
you're talking about.

Woodlands Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car
or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and
country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and
Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.

Pasadena Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two
sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her
shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank
Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired
Kenny doll's a.. when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and
get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.

Inner Loop Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a
leopard-print beach outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains
friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.

Westheimer Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and
archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers
that you call her "Willow."

The Tomball Barbie: She comes with a Ford 350V8 Dooley double cab truck, a
horse trailer, a fisherman's muriel in the back window of the truck, she's
wearing a George Strait concert t-shirt, has a Golden Corral buffet gift
card, an Outdoors & Hunting Magazine, a miniature 6-pack of Keystone Beer, a
camouflage deerstand w/Ken doll in hunting gear and finally a couple of lawn
chairs for the porch & a lazy-boy recliner for relaxin'.

Pearland Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of
her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Barbie's house. Her make-up is dark red lip
liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at
all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored
G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top.
Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford
pick up.

 - from Melanie Sisk...?

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