[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Steve Alm]

Dave Barry rocks!

On 12/3/03 8:06 PM, "Michael Meltzer" <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com> wrote:

> We've got the dirt on guy brains
> 
> by Dave Barry
> 
> I like to think that I am a modest person. (I also like to think that I look
> like Brad Pitt naked, but that is not the issue here.)
> 
> There comes a time, however, when a person must toot his own personal horn,
> and for me, that time is now. A new book has confirmed a theory that I first
> proposed in 1987, in a column explaining why men are physically unqualified
> to do housework. The problem, I argued, is that men -- because of a tragic
> genetic flaw -- cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support
> agriculture. This puts men at a huge disadvantage against women, who can
> detect a single dirt molecule 20 feet away.
> 
> This is why a man and a woman can both be looking at the same bathroom
> commode, and the man -- hindered by Male Genetic Dirt Blindness (MGDB) --
> will perceive the commode surface as being clean enough for heart surgery or
> even meat slicing; whereas the woman can't even see the commode, only a
> teeming, commode-shaped swarm of bacteria. A woman can spend two hours
> cleaning a toothbrush holder and still not be totally satisfied; whereas if
> you ask a man to clean the entire New York City subway system, he'll go down
> there with a bottle of Windex and a single paper towel, then emerge 25
> minutes later, weary but satisfied with a job well done.
> 
> When I wrote about Male Genetic Dirt Blindness, many irate readers
> complained that I was engaging in sexist stereotyping, as well as making
> lame excuses for the fact that men are lazy pigs. All of these irate readers
> belonged to a gender that I will not identify here, other than to say: Guess
> what, ladies? There is now scientific proof that I was right.
> 
> This proof appears in a new book titled What Could He Be Thinking? How a
> Man's Mind Really Works. I have not personally read this book, because, as a
> journalist, I am too busy writing about it. But according to an article by
> Reuters, the book states that a man's brain "takes in less sensory detail
> than a woman's, so he doesn't see or even feel the dust and household mess
> in the same way." Got that? We can't see or feel the mess! We're like: "What
> snow tires in the dining room? Oh, those snow tires in the dining room."
> 
> And this is only one of the differences between men's and women's brains.
> Another difference involves a brain part called the "cingulate gyrus," which
> is the sector where emotions are located. The Reuters article does not
> describe the cingulate gyrus, but presumably in women it is a structure the
> size of a mature cantaloupe, containing a vast quantity of complex,
> endlessly recalibrated emotional data involving hundreds, perhaps thousands
> of human relationships; whereas in men it is basically a cashew filled with
> NFL highlights.
> 
> In any event, it turns out that women's brains secrete more of the chemicals
> "oxytocin" and "serotonin," which, according to biologists, cause humans to
> feel they have an inadequate supply of shoes. No, seriously, these chemicals
> cause humans to want to bond with other humans, which is why women like to
> share their feelings. Some women (and here I am referring to my wife) can
> share as many as three days' worth of feelings about an event that took
> eight seconds to actually happen. We men, on the other hand, are reluctant
> to share our feelings, in large part because we often don't have any.
> Really. Ask any guy: A lot of the time, when we look like we're thinking, we
> just have this low-level humming sound in our brains. That's why, in
> male-female conversations, the male part often consists entirely of him
> going "hmmmm." This frustrates the woman, who wants to know what he's really
> thinking. In fact, what he's thinking is, literally, "hmmmm."
> 
> So anyway, according to the Reuters article, when a man, instead of sharing
> feelings with his mate, chooses to lie on the sofa, holding the remote
> control and monitoring 750 television programs simultaneously by changing
> the channel every one-half second (pausing slightly longer for programs that
> feature touchdowns, fighting, shooting, car crashes or bosoms) his mate
> should not come to the mistaken conclusion that he is an insensitive jerk.
> In fact, he is responding to scientific biological brain chemicals that
> require him to behave this way for scientific reasons, as detailed in the
> scientific book What Could He Be Thinking? How a Man's Mind Really Works,
> which I frankly cannot recommend highly enough.
> 
> In conclusion, no way was that pass interference.
> 
> - from Sue Greene
> 
> --
> Bargain Children's Books
> 
> 1. You Are Different, and That's Bad
> 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
> 3. Dad's New Wife, Robert
> 4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
> 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
> 6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
> 7. Bobby Was So Bad His Mom Stopped Loving Him
> 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
> 9. All Cats go to Hell
> 10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
> 11. Some Kittens Can Fly
> 12. That's it, I'm Putting You up for Adoption
> 13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
> 14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
> 15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
> 16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
> 17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
> 18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
> 19. You Were an Accident
> 20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
> 21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
> 22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
> 23. Your Nightmares Are Real
> 24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
> 25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
> 26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends? A
> See-for-Yourself Book
> 27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
> 28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
> 
> - from Kevin Haggerty
> 
> --
> (Mumf note: I think you have to be from the Houston area to relate to
> these...)
> 
> Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for
> the Houston area market:
> 
> River Oaks Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at The Avenues Mall.
> She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a long-haired
> foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without
> tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with
> "augmented" version.
> 
> Kingwood Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice
> of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and has no full
> time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold
> separately. Optional matching gym outfit.
> 
> 4th Ward Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a
> Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This
> model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably
> small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we don't know what
> you're talking about.
> 
> Woodlands Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car
> or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and
> country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and
> Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.
> 
> Pasadena Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two
> sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her
> shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank
> Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired
> Kenny doll's a.. when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and
> get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.
> 
> Inner Loop Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a
> leopard-print beach outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains
> friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.
> 
> Westheimer Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and
> archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers
> that you call her "Willow."
> 
> The Tomball Barbie: She comes with a Ford 350V8 Dooley double cab truck, a
> horse trailer, a fisherman's muriel in the back window of the truck, she's
> wearing a George Strait concert t-shirt, has a Golden Corral buffet gift
> card, an Outdoors & Hunting Magazine, a miniature 6-pack of Keystone Beer, a
> camouflage deerstand w/Ken doll in hunting gear and finally a couple of lawn
> chairs for the porch & a lazy-boy recliner for relaxin'.
> 
> Pearland Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of
> her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
> her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Barbie's house. Her make-up is dark red lip
> liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at
> all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored
> G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top.
> Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford
> pick up.
> 
> - from Melanie Sisk...?
> 
> --
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