[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

thougt that was good too, forwarded it to my wife :-)

MJM

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Steve Alm" <salm at mn.rr.com>
To: "Rhodes" <rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org>
Sent: Wednesday, December 03, 2003 9:21 PM
Subject: Re: [Rhodes22-list] jokes


> Dave Barry rocks!
> 
> On 12/3/03 8:06 PM, "Michael Meltzer" <mjm at michaelmeltzer.com> wrote:
> 
> > We've got the dirt on guy brains
> > 
> > by Dave Barry
> > 
> > I like to think that I am a modest person. (I also like to think that I look
> > like Brad Pitt naked, but that is not the issue here.)
> > 
> > There comes a time, however, when a person must toot his own personal horn,
> > and for me, that time is now. A new book has confirmed a theory that I first
> > proposed in 1987, in a column explaining why men are physically unqualified
> > to do housework. The problem, I argued, is that men -- because of a tragic
> > genetic flaw -- cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support
> > agriculture. This puts men at a huge disadvantage against women, who can
> > detect a single dirt molecule 20 feet away.
> > 
> > This is why a man and a woman can both be looking at the same bathroom
> > commode, and the man -- hindered by Male Genetic Dirt Blindness (MGDB) --
> > will perceive the commode surface as being clean enough for heart surgery or
> > even meat slicing; whereas the woman can't even see the commode, only a
> > teeming, commode-shaped swarm of bacteria. A woman can spend two hours
> > cleaning a toothbrush holder and still not be totally satisfied; whereas if
> > you ask a man to clean the entire New York City subway system, he'll go down
> > there with a bottle of Windex and a single paper towel, then emerge 25
> > minutes later, weary but satisfied with a job well done.
> > 
> > When I wrote about Male Genetic Dirt Blindness, many irate readers
> > complained that I was engaging in sexist stereotyping, as well as making
> > lame excuses for the fact that men are lazy pigs. All of these irate readers
> > belonged to a gender that I will not identify here, other than to say: Guess
> > what, ladies? There is now scientific proof that I was right.
> > 
> > This proof appears in a new book titled What Could He Be Thinking? How a
> > Man's Mind Really Works. I have not personally read this book, because, as a
> > journalist, I am too busy writing about it. But according to an article by
> > Reuters, the book states that a man's brain "takes in less sensory detail
> > than a woman's, so he doesn't see or even feel the dust and household mess
> > in the same way." Got that? We can't see or feel the mess! We're like: "What
> > snow tires in the dining room? Oh, those snow tires in the dining room."
> > 
> > And this is only one of the differences between men's and women's brains.
> > Another difference involves a brain part called the "cingulate gyrus," which
> > is the sector where emotions are located. The Reuters article does not
> > describe the cingulate gyrus, but presumably in women it is a structure the
> > size of a mature cantaloupe, containing a vast quantity of complex,
> > endlessly recalibrated emotional data involving hundreds, perhaps thousands
> > of human relationships; whereas in men it is basically a cashew filled with
> > NFL highlights.
> > 
> > In any event, it turns out that women's brains secrete more of the chemicals
> > "oxytocin" and "serotonin," which, according to biologists, cause humans to
> > feel they have an inadequate supply of shoes. No, seriously, these chemicals
> > cause humans to want to bond with other humans, which is why women like to
> > share their feelings. Some women (and here I am referring to my wife) can
> > share as many as three days' worth of feelings about an event that took
> > eight seconds to actually happen. We men, on the other hand, are reluctant
> > to share our feelings, in large part because we often don't have any.
> > Really. Ask any guy: A lot of the time, when we look like we're thinking, we
> > just have this low-level humming sound in our brains. That's why, in
> > male-female conversations, the male part often consists entirely of him
> > going "hmmmm." This frustrates the woman, who wants to know what he's really
> > thinking. In fact, what he's thinking is, literally, "hmmmm."
> > 
> > So anyway, according to the Reuters article, when a man, instead of sharing
> > feelings with his mate, chooses to lie on the sofa, holding the remote
> > control and monitoring 750 television programs simultaneously by changing
> > the channel every one-half second (pausing slightly longer for programs that
> > feature touchdowns, fighting, shooting, car crashes or bosoms) his mate
> > should not come to the mistaken conclusion that he is an insensitive jerk.
> > In fact, he is responding to scientific biological brain chemicals that
> > require him to behave this way for scientific reasons, as detailed in the
> > scientific book What Could He Be Thinking? How a Man's Mind Really Works,
> > which I frankly cannot recommend highly enough.
> > 
> > In conclusion, no way was that pass interference.
> > 
> > - from Sue Greene
> > 
> > --
> > Bargain Children's Books
> > 
> > 1. You Are Different, and That's Bad
> > 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
> > 3. Dad's New Wife, Robert
> > 4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
> > 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
> > 6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
> > 7. Bobby Was So Bad His Mom Stopped Loving Him
> > 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
> > 9. All Cats go to Hell
> > 10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
> > 11. Some Kittens Can Fly
> > 12. That's it, I'm Putting You up for Adoption
> > 13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
> > 14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
> > 15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
> > 16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
> > 17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
> > 18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
> > 19. You Were an Accident
> > 20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
> > 21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
> > 22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
> > 23. Your Nightmares Are Real
> > 24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
> > 25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
> > 26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends? A
> > See-for-Yourself Book
> > 27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
> > 28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
> > 
> > - from Kevin Haggerty
> > 
> > --
> > (Mumf note: I think you have to be from the Houston area to relate to
> > these...)
> > 
> > Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for
> > the Houston area market:
> > 
> > River Oaks Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at The Avenues Mall.
> > She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a long-haired
> > foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without
> > tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with
> > "augmented" version.
> > 
> > Kingwood Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice
> > of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and has no full
> > time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold
> > separately. Optional matching gym outfit.
> > 
> > 4th Ward Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a
> > Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This
> > model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably
> > small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we don't know what
> > you're talking about.
> > 
> > Woodlands Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car
> > or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and
> > country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and
> > Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.
> > 
> > Pasadena Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two
> > sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her
> > shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank
> > Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired
> > Kenny doll's a.. when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and
> > get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.
> > 
> > Inner Loop Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a
> > leopard-print beach outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains
> > friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.
> > 
> > Westheimer Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and
> > archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers
> > that you call her "Willow."
> > 
> > The Tomball Barbie: She comes with a Ford 350V8 Dooley double cab truck, a
> > horse trailer, a fisherman's muriel in the back window of the truck, she's
> > wearing a George Strait concert t-shirt, has a Golden Corral buffet gift
> > card, an Outdoors & Hunting Magazine, a miniature 6-pack of Keystone Beer, a
> > camouflage deerstand w/Ken doll in hunting gear and finally a couple of lawn
> > chairs for the porch & a lazy-boy recliner for relaxin'.
> > 
> > Pearland Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of
> > her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
> > her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Barbie's house. Her make-up is dark red lip
> > liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at
> > all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored
> > G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top.
> > Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford
> > pick up.
> > 
> > - from Melanie Sisk...?
> > 
> > --
> > __________________________________________________
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> 
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