[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A man from Texas in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a
guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the
Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?" The light
turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped,
so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders
them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two
weeks later, the job is finally done, he picks up his car
and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle
with the Texas plates.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls
his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are
all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but
he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the
foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember
me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Volkswagen says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE
SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

++
20 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night...

 1.I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
 2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and
wiggling my bootay while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the
sexiest dance move around.
 3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and
honestly believe I could do it too.
 4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more
like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four
hours ago.
 5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm
eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it
up and carry on eating it.
 6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love
them sooooo much.
 7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to
start work.
 8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting
next to me.
 9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade
teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a
table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
(Mumf note: and encouraged from all the guys at the bar!)
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their
own so I keep them half closed and think it looks
exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good
at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by
giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no
longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like
the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take
this the WRONG WAY but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit
on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I
happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly
pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away
from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault
that I'm having problems walking straight.

++
http://www.stopesso.com/funstuff/nose.html

++
Great Pick-up Lines:

 1. Can I buy you a spatula?
 2. Bet you're wondering why I have no nostrils.
 3. You look like the kind of person who appreciates
catheters.
 4. Do you always were socks over your shoes?
 5. Smeep. Smeep. Smeep.
 6. You've stolen my heart, but I have three more back
home in the freezer.
 7. "Flexibility was always my strong suit."
 8. "Wait till you meet Pokey!"
 9. I like cabbage.
10. The voices told me to come talk to you.

++
http://members.aol.com/_ht_b/asksatan/testimon.htm

++
101 Uses for a Condom, (besides the obvious)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 1. Hair tie
 2. Replacement banana peel
 3. Jell-O mold
 4. Sew five together and you have a glove
 5. Slip 'er over a payphone to avoid "NASTY" germs
 6. Bathing cap (if you stretch it in the right manner)
 7. Bean bag chair
 8. Goody bag at children's parties
 9. Neat travel case for your toothbrush
10. Piggy bank
11. Wet suit for a ferret
12. Vacuum/automobile exhaust - balloon rockets
13. Elastic fights...
14. Mouthpiece holder
15. To save farts
16. Finger puppets
17. Travel size shampoo and conditioner holders
18. Fill the sucker with hot wax n a string. Just before
the wax starts to set hard, crank it into a weird shape.
Then let it harden. You'll get a really interesting
candle. Oh, n don forget to grease or powder the inside.
Otherwise, you won get the dang thang off the candle, n
boy, howdy, will it smell funny when ya burn the thang.
19. Pencil case
20. Balloon animals
21. Wrapping paper
22. Water balloon
23. Use it to store that urine sample next time you go to
the doc for a checkup...
24. Flower arrangement piece
25. Life preserver for a squirrel
26. Coffee table, discussion piece
27. Rubber boot for a peg leg
28. Garbage bag (Gets it to the curb)
29. Flea trampoline
30. Nose warmer for an anteater
31. Freezie maker
32. Bungee cord for a hamster
33. Christmas tree ornaments
34. Faulty G.I. Joe parachute
35. Wind sock
36. Make for some funky potato sack races
37. Golf ball carrier (for people who always loose their
balls)
38. Business cards
39. Halloween costume (sew them together and see what you
get)
40. Robbery-stocking mask, for a chicken
41. Latex toe warmers
42. Put small furry animals in them, tie them shut, then
toss 'em in your pool for hours of amusement
43. Saran wrap
44. Back-up small intestine
45. Totes for tots
46. Christmas Stocking (The more it stretches, the more it
holds)
47. Leaf bag for a weed wacker
48. Tenser bandage
49. Stuff, and use to stop drafts under doors
50. Whip
51. Makeshift Barbie clothing (for when Ken's in one of
his moods and looking for something super-slinky, tight
and kinky...) (Mumf query: ?!?)
52. Bracelets
53. Use to transport narcotics across international borders
54. Fill with rocks and use to as a weapon in a crisis
situation
55. Wiener dog coat
56. Kneesock for a chicken
57. Use it to store your favorite piece of feces
58. A place to store and display one's gum collection (or
any other pride and joy...(see above))
59. Funnel
60. Cut a large hole for a garden hose
61. Antenna cover
62. Velcro one to your favorite recliner... and use it as
a remote control holster!!!
63. ...Spread the seeds on, water it, and watch it grow,
it's the NEW chia-condom (different sizes and ribbed
available)
64. Individual storage for hotdogs... for single people...
Gotta hate that freezer burn!!!
65. Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood
66. To keep candles dry when camping
67. Fill several of them with milk, tie them together,
poke holes in the ends and, Voila... instant udder.
68. Vacuum bag
69. Eye Patch for a pirate
70. Beach Ball
71. Build your own incredible "Water Weenies"
72. Whenever you have the primordial urge to imitate an
elephant
73. Sleeping bag for a snake
74. Emergency hot air balloon
75. Nifty Hairnet
76. To quickly fill water pistols
77. The Great Hot Sauce Bomb (an exciting alternative to
the old "water balloon") filled with your favorite brand
of hot sauce
78. Portable aquarium
79. Night Slippers
80. WEAR my socks for one more day!
81. Blow several of 'em up like balloons and tie 'em all
over the "newlywed" room, leave a note to not pop 'em, but
save 'em in case they run out... Really interesting effect
if you blow up the colored ones, but even your basic
"plain wrapper" turns into a sort of silverish balloon.
For a colorful, glittery effect, you can go all out and
put confetti in some, real festive for a honeymoon... Only
problem is the INSIDES of them taste NASTY -- whatever
that lubricant stuff is, it's not too cool. Worse than the
taste of the powder on the inside of medical gloves (I
know this because I've blown THOSE up to make rooster comb
head thingies for kids in the Emergency Room...))
82. Slingshot
83. Mutant slinky races
84. Canteen on long journeys
85. Smurf toque
86. Bicycle tire tube
87. Change purse
88. Wrap mail parcels
89. Lunch bag
90. Spit tune
91. Mouse trap
92. On Halloween, get the super size, roll it over your
head and go to a costume party dressed as a Peckerhead.
93. Long lasting chewing gum
94. Use it to represent the moon in your home-made solar
system model.
95. A handy barf bag... if you don't puke too much that
is, cause they'd probably tend to build up some nasty
pressure and you'd have to clamp that thing pretty tight
or else...
96. Goodyear Blimp model
97. Cheap beer snuggie
98. For those long car trips that dad hates to stop for
potty breaks, have fun with'em afterwards).
99. To carry your "seeing eye" goldfish.
100. Condoms are used in the army to keep sand and other
things out of the gun barrels... During desert storm
Trojan sent about 1000 cases of them over there
101. It can sure make a handy dandy planter for when you
get that gardening urge

- all from Jimi Pocius

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