[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

http://homepage.mac.com/deadtroll2/.Movies/helldeskcable.wmv

- from Ron Coveney

--
TrapShoot!
===========

This game is a blast! (pun intended) It combines 2 fun
categories, Shooting, and Rednecks! Choose your favorite
redneck, and take your best shot. You can choose from 3
levels of difficulty.

Clay Pigeons  - Pretty easy
Chickens      - a little harder
Beer Cans     - a Lot harder!

Enjoy!

http://www.fundmental.com/flash/trapshoot.html

- from Jimi Pocius

--
o Butterflies taste with their feet.
o A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. (Mumf
note: actually, I know why, but I ain't tellin'!)
o In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all
of the world's nuclear weapons combined. (Mumf note: or
equal to a dozen good ol' boys sittin' around a campfire
enjoying beers, beans and franks)
o On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens
every year.
o On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
o Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently
arrived immigrants.
o Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads
for dating are already married. (Mumf note: well Duhh!)
o Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (Mumf
note: again, well Duhh! have you seen the size of them!!))
o Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or
older. (Mumf note: and it won't be me! can you say
raisin?)
o It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.
o Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
o It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
(Mumf note: it's not my elbow I was aiming for!)
o The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an
inch every year because when it was built, engineers
failed to take into account the weight of all the books
that would occupy the building.
o A snail can sleep for three years.
o No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
o Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
o Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our
nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY! (Mumf note: this
MUST be true, cuz I heard it on the web!)
o The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (Mumf
note: of course it was!)
o All polar bears are left-handed. (Mumf correction:
left-pawed)
o In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their
bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
o An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (Mumf note: I
think I know a few ostriches)
o TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using
the letters only
on one row of the typewriter.
o "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.
o If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be
39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
(Mumf note: and play for UConn)
o A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
o The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
o Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
(Mumf query: each of us???)
o Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick
their elbow.
o (Mumf corollary: Anything read on the internet is true,
but only 53% that is heard (like in a .wav file) is true
-- weird, huh)

- from Patty "Party Girl" Galvin

--
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his
back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling
to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

++
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after
martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in
a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the
drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what
McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for
a jar of olives!"

++
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The
bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the
Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried
to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his
face again So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on
his face. He crawled through the door and into his
bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out
he asked, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

++
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper
smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir,
have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"

++
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and
asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland
too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks: "Wherein Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of
drinks to Dublin."

"Of course"

The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school
did you attend?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits
down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins
are drunk again!"

++
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching
the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister
walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a
shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other
Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are
fallin' victim to
temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one
of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the
girls must be quite ill."

++
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he
asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But, where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was
an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness
Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he
at least go
quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times
to pee."

- from Kevin Haggerty

--
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as
our government underwent a peaceful transition of power
two years ago. At first, I felt a swell of pride and
patriotism as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of
office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I
later watched William Jefferson Clinton board Air Force
One for the last time.

I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire
a 21-gun salute to the outgoing President. It was then
that I realized how far America's military had
deteriorated under Clinton.

Every last one of them missed!

- from Dave Houpert

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