[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Steve]

Excellent Michael.
Steve

--- Michael Meltzer <mjm@michaelmeltzer.com> wrote:
>
http://homepage.mac.com/deadtroll2/.Movies/helldeskcable.wmv
> 
> - from Ron Coveney
> 
> --
> TrapShoot!
> ===========
> 
> This game is a blast! (pun intended) It combines 2
> fun
> categories, Shooting, and Rednecks! Choose your
> favorite
> redneck, and take your best shot. You can choose
> from 3
> levels of difficulty.
> 
> Clay Pigeons  - Pretty easy
> Chickens      - a little harder
> Beer Cans     - a Lot harder!
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> http://www.fundmental.com/flash/trapshoot.html
> 
> - from Jimi Pocius
> 
> --
> o Butterflies taste with their feet.
> o A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
> (Mumf
> note: actually, I know why, but I ain't tellin'!)
> o In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy
> than all
> of the world's nuclear weapons combined. (Mumf note:
> or
> equal to a dozen good ol' boys sittin' around a
> campfire
> enjoying beers, beans and franks)
> o On average, 100 people choke to death on
> ball-point pens
> every year.
> o On average people fear spiders more than they do
> death.
> o Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are
> recently
> arrived immigrants.
> o Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal
> ads
> for dating are already married. (Mumf note: well
> Duhh!)
> o Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
> (Mumf
> note: again, well Duhh! have you seen the size of
> them!!))
> o Only one person in two billion will live to be 116
> or
> older. (Mumf note: and it won't be me! can you say
> raisin?)
> o It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not
> downstairs.
> o Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
> o It's physically impossible for you to lick your
> elbow.
> (Mumf note: it's not my elbow I was aiming for!)
> o The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over
> an
> inch every year because when it was built, engineers
> failed to take into account the weight of all the
> books
> that would occupy the building.
> o A snail can sleep for three years.
> o No word in the English language rhymes with
> "MONTH."
> o Average life span of a major league baseball: 7
> pitches.
> o Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but
> our
> nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY! (Mumf note:
> this
> MUST be true, cuz I heard it on the web!)
> o The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
> (Mumf
> note: of course it was!)
> o All polar bears are left-handed. (Mumf correction:
> left-pawed)
> o In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from
> their
> bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
> o An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (Mumf
> note: I
> think I know a few ostriches)
> o TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made
> using
> the letters only
> on one row of the typewriter.
> o "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the
> English
> language.
> o If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would
> be
> 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches
> tall.
> (Mumf note: and play for UConn)
> o A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
> o The cigarette lighter was invented before the
> match.
> o Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every
> day.
> (Mumf query: each of us???)
> o Almost everyone who reads this email will try to
> lick
> their elbow.
> o (Mumf corollary: Anything read on the internet is
> true,
> but only 53% that is heard (like in a .wav file) is
> true
> -- weird, huh)
> 
> - from Patty "Party Girl" Galvin
> 
> --
> Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in
> his
> back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
> Struggling
> to his feet, he felt something wet running down his
> leg
> "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
> 
> ++
> McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini
> after
> martini, each time removing the olives and placing
> them in
> a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all
> the
> drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
> 
> "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over
> what
> McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
> 
> "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me
> out for
> a jar of olives!"
> 
> ++
> An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
> The
> bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So
> the
> Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He
> tried
> to stand one more time; same result. He figured
> he'll
> crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
> will
> sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on
> his
> face again So he decided to crawl the four blocks
> home.
> When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell
> flat on
> his face. He crawled through the door and into his
> bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more
> time to
> stand up. This time he managed to pull himself
> upright,
> but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound
> asleep
> as soon as his head hit the pillow.
> 
> He was awakened the next morning to his wife
> standing over
> him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
> 
> Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing
> it out
> he asked, "What makes you say that?"
> 
> "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there
> again."
> 
> ++
> An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
> stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state
> trooper
> smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees
> an
> empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
> "Sir,
> have you been drinking?"
> 
> "Just water," says the priest.
> 
> The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
> 
> The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!
> He's
> done it again!"
> 
> ++
> A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar
> and
> asks if he could buy him a drink.
> 
> "Why, of course," comes the reply.
> 
> The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
> 
> "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
> 
> The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from
> Ireland
> too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
> 
> "Of course," says the second.
> 
> Curious, the first asks: "Wherein Ireland?"
> 
> "Dublin," comes the reply.
> 
> "I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round
> of
> drinks to Dublin."
> 
> "Of course"
> 
> The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What
> school
> did you attend?"
> 
> "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated
> in '62."
> 
> "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in
> union.
> 
> About that time, in comes one of the regulars and
> sits
> down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
> 
> "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley
> twins
> are drunk again!"
> 
> ++
> Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and
> watching
> the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist
> minister
> walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye,
> 'tis a
> shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
> 
> Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the
> other
> Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the
> Jews are
> fallin' victim to
> temptation."
> 
> Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel,
> and one
> of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one
> of the
> girls must be quite ill."
> 
> ++
> Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
> when Tim
> Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come
> in?" he
> asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
> 
> "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
> Tim.
> But, where's my
> husband?"
> 
> "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
> There was
> an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
> 
> "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
> me..."
> 
> "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and
> gone. I'm
> sorry."
> 
> Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,
> Tim?"
> 
> "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
> Guinness
> Stout and drowned."
> 
> "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
> Did he
> at least go
> quickly?"
> 
> "Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three
> times
> to pee."
> 
> - from Kevin Haggerty
> 
> --
> I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and
> watched as
> our government underwent a peaceful transition of
> power
> two years ago. At first, I felt a swell of pride and
> patriotism as I watched George W. Bush take his oath
> of
> office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as
> I
> later watched William Jefferson Clinton board Air
> Force
> One for the last time.
> 
> I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles,
> fire
> a 21-gun salute to the outgoing President. It was
> then
> that I realized how far America's military had
> deteriorated under Clinton.
> 
> Every last one of them missed!
> 
> - from Dave Houpert
> 
> --
> _________________________________________________
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