[Rhodes22-list] jokes(mumf seem to be is a bad mood today)

[Michael Meltzer]

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often? 

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand. 

Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow. 

Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform. 

"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this." 

"Hello, Jack." No smile. 

"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids." 

"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good. 

"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once." 

Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast! Beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?" 

"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct." Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics. 

"What'd you clock me at?" 

"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?" 

"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket. 

"Please, Jack, in the car." 

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window. 

The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. 

Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license? 

Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip. 

"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice. 

Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read: 

"Dear Jack, once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it-a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters All three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left. Bob" 

Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

 

++

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape ... but a woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape. 
A strong woman isn't afraid of anything ... but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear. 
A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of her ... but a woman of strength gives the best of herself to everyone. 
A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future ... a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be unexpected blessings and capitalizes on them. 
A strong woman wears a look of confidence on her face . a woman of strength wears grace. 
A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey . a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

 

++

I am a truck driver, and have hauled just about everything over the past 13 years. 

I read your site's article postulating that naturally occurring aluminum found in water might be the key to Alzheimer's disease. I'll go one better than that. 

I once picked up a 44,000-pound load of aluminum dioxide powder in the aptly named town of Bauxite, Arkansas. Noting that the destination for the load was not a processing plant or a mill, I enquired as to why this load was destined for the Colgate-Palmolive Company. The shipping agent said that the quality of bauxite (Aluminum dioxide) found in Arkansas was too low grade for manufacturing purposes, but was fine for toothpaste. 

"Toothpaste?" I enquired. He then went on to explain that common white toothpaste is made largely from Aluminum Dioxide, which is a mildly abrasive, brilliantly white powder. They'll simply add a sudsing agent to make the bubbles, a flavoring agent to make it palatable, perhaps a food-coloring agent, some water, and presto - toothpaste. 

Go read the ingredients on your tube of toothpaste. It'll list one or two 'active ingredients'...notice the combined total amounts of 'active ingredients' is usually less than 1%. What about the other 
 99%? 

Were you aware that every day of your life, you are filling your mouth with a gob of nearly pure aluminum dioxide? Can you imagine the possible health effects? Do you see how this is the number one entry point for aluminum to enter the body? Can you guess why the inactive ingredients aren't listed? Imagine the outcry from all the millions of health conscious 
 Americans who suddenly discovered that they are being poisoned! Yes, that's why they aren't listed. So, if you and your vast readership are concerned about getting too much aluminum in their diets, you can all relax about naturally occurring aluminum in the water, or cooking with pots and pans. These are trivial sources of aluminum compared with the several pounds of aluminum directly swallowed or absorbed through the tissues while brushing our teeth. 

On the bright side, we can all still have a beautiful smile in our old age, if only we can remember how to smile.

 

 - from Jimi Pocius

 

--

The goal is to come up with a two-word Google search that will turn up only 1 hit. It's very strange, but oddly compelling.

 

http://www.googlewhack.com/

 

 - from Sandy Fraser

 

--

COSTA MESA, Calif. - Kids be warned: Flushing your pet fish down the drain will not send it safely into the ocean as depicted in the new computer-animated movie "Finding Nemo."

A company that manufactures equipment used to process sewage issued a news release Thursday warning that drain pipes do lead to the ocean - eventually - but first the fluid goes through powerful machines that "shred solids into tiny particles."

"In truth, no one would ever find Nemo and the movie would be called 'Grinding Nemo,'" wrote the JWC Environmental Company, which makes the trademarked "Muffin Monster" shredding pumps.

In the unlikely event Nemo survived the deadly machines, the company added, he would probably be killed by the chlorine disinfection.

 

 - from Kevin Haggerty

 

--

There are new scientific studies that show there is in fact a speed faster than light. New evidence which is currently meeting the trials of intense scientific peer reviews, show the "speed of gravity" is at least one hundred times faster than light. Some researchers suggest a thousand times faster than the speed of light. 

Live on Tuesday's ECTV's 'Radio Hour', my guest Dr. Tom Van Flandren hit us with an unexpected surprise. While discussing the inter-planetary play of asteroid's, comets, and minor planets, Dr. Van Flandren disclosed his groundbreaking research with regard to the 'speed of gravity'. 

Dr. Tom Van Flandren - NASA Astronomer and author of "Dark Matter, Missing Planets and New Comets". He has worked steady for NASA for a least two decades. Dr. Van Flandren spent 20 years at the U.S. Naval Observatory, where he became the Chief of the Celestial Mechanics Branch. In 1991, he formed a Washington, DC-based organization, Meta Research, to foster research into ideas not otherwise supported solely because they conflict with mainstream theories in Astronomy. 

We had been discussing the collision or near collision of the two comets which were caught on the SOHO satellite May 23rd. 
I had asked Dr. Van Flandren to give his professional views if the comets could have in fact played a major role in the 'unexpected' series of X-Class flares which occurred shortly after the fly-by's. His answer was that "only if the comets had a direct impact, could they have affected the Sun to erupt in X-Class flares." Upon his viewing of photos he was able to access from NASA, he could not see a direct impact. However, Van Flandren did state "the ones I could view looked as though they did come into the Sun's corona, but did not impact the Sun. However, I have reason to believe there was a good chance there was a cluster of comets at this time, and the one's we did not see, may very well have collided with the Sun. 

Soon the conversation turned to his research on the 'speed of gravity'. We were all in awe just acclimating to this new concept of something faster than light. Then he dropped the bomb. Dr. Van Flandren stated unambiguously that due to his (and several colleagues) findings of the speed of gravity, "that it is highly possible there has been, and currently is extraterrestrial travel". 

In that moment while 'live on the air' after disclosing what appears to be confirmation to the millions of UFO believers, silence never sounded so loud. The air went to a dead silence. I had trouble finding my voice. I could hear thousands of people in that very moment grasping for affirmation of what they just heard. 

Could this be the beginning of the formerly mainstream scientist condoning the real possibility of galactic travel? The stopping point of many heated discussions of space travel had always been the speed at which one could travel. With new evidence which shows the 'speed of gravity' can be over a thousand times faster than the speed of light has opened a whole new perspective of extraterrestrial travel. I for one, have 're-opened' my mind to new possibilities. 

 - from Jimi Pocius



--

I don't know if you are familiar with "noodling", but it is the term for
the way Oklahoma guys catch their fish. These guys wade out into the river and feel for holes or logs on the river floor. When they find a catfish hole, they stick their hands in there wiggle their fingers, the cats latch on
and the 'idiots' pull out these monsters. Many people lose their lives each
year because of this. Some fish are so big they literally pull the 'idiot'
under. Snapping turtles and snakes claim their fair share of rednecks too. Here are some pictures of what they come out with. cat*.jpg all from Jimi Pocius