[Rhodes22-list] jokes

Mon May 12 14:53:50 EDT 2003

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. 

She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. 

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house... 

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 - from Sandy Fraser

--
Were Einstein and Newton Autistic?

Autism expert Simon Baron-Cohen says they both showed signs of Asperger syndrome, a form of autism. While it's impossible to definitely diagnose a dead person, he says he wants to use the information to find out why some autistic people excel, while others live a stunted life. 

Autism is genetic and those who are born with it may be unable to form social relationships, but they have a talent for understanding complex abstractions and memorizing facts (and are often excellent musicians). "Geeks," such as mathematicians, engineers and physicists, have a relatively high rate of autism in their families. Einstein and Newton both had the three key symptoms of Asperger syndrome: obsessive interests, difficulty in social relationships, and problems communicating. 

Newton hardly spoke, was so engrossed in his work that he often forgot to eat, and was socially inept. If no one turned up to his lectures, he talked to an empty room. He was depressed and paranoid. 

Einstein was a loner as a child, and repeated sentences obsessively until he was seven years old. He confused people who came to his lectures. However, he did have close friends and many affairs, and was concerned with social and political issues. "Passion, falling in love and standing up for justice are all perfectly compatible with Asperger syndrome," says Baron- Cohen. "What most people with AS find difficult is casual chatting-they can't do small-talk." 

Psychiatrist Glen Elliott doesn't agree. He says, "One can imagine geniuses who are socially inept and yet not remotely autistic. Impatience with the intellectual slowness of others, narcissism and passion for one's mission in life might combine to make such an individuals isolative and difficult." Elliott notes that Einstein had a good sense of humor, which few Asperger patients have. 

++
New 7 Wonders of the World http://www.new7wonders.com/ 

{Seven Wonders of the World} Participate in an Internet vote to elect the New 7 Wonders of the World from 25 nominees. It's been over 2,000 years since the 7 Wonders of the World were selected. The site believes that due to the increase of global consciousness, it's time to select seven new symbols of the most outstanding human accomplishments in the past 2,200 years. The Web site is available in eight languages. Each of the 25 nominees will be presented via satellite television programs and on the Internet. The 24-month New 7 Wonders of the World Promotion Tour will visit all nominee locations as part of a 24-part TV series, which will be produced and broadcast to every possible corner of the world. The site presents statistics of the current voting. If my math is correct, voting ends on September 30, 2005. Let's all do our part as citizens of the world and vote. (Mumf note: the seven wonders were all things/places -- isn't it quite possible that the next seven wonders will be accomplishments?) 

 - from Jay Pocius

--
The young mother set her foot on the path of life.  "Is this the long way?" she asked.

"Yes," said the guide "and the way is hard, you will be old before you reach the end of it.  But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years  So she played with her children and gathered flowers for them along the way and bathed them in the clear streams and the sun shone on them and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."  

The night came and the storm and the path was dark and the children shook with fear and cold and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid for you are near and no harm can come."  

The morning came and there was a hill ahead and the children climbed and grew weary and the mother was weary, but at all times she said to the children, "A little patience and we are there."  So the children climbed and when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we could not have done it without you."  

The Mother, when she lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness.  Yesterday I gave them courage.  Today I have given them strength."  

The next day came with strange clouds, which darkened the earth-clouds of war, hate, and evil.  The children groped and stumbled, and the Mother said, "Look up.  Lift your eyes to the light."  The children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory and it guided them beyond the darkness.  That night the Mother said, "This is the best day of all for I have shown my children God."  

The days went on, and the weeks, and the months, and the years, and the Mother grew old and was little and bent.  Her children were tall and strong and walked with courage.  When the way was rough, they lifted her for she was as light as a feather, and at last, they came to a hill.  Beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide and Mother said, "I have reached the end of my journey.  Now I know the end is better than the beginning for my children can walk alone and their children after them."  

The children said, "You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."  They stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her.  They said, "We cannot see her but she is with us still.  A Mother like ours is more than a memory.  She is a living presence" 

Your Mother is always with you.  She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street: she is the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks: she is the cool hand on your brow when you are not well.  Your Mother lives inside your laughter.  She is crystallized in every teardrop.  She is the place you came from, your first home, and the map you follow with every step you take.  She is your first love and your first heartbreak and nothing on Earth can separate you.

NOT TIME, NOT SPACE-NOT EVEN DEATH

 - from  Jimi Pocius

--
 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
 4. Enjoy the simple things.
 5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
 7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity..

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. If you don't send this to at least 8 people.... who cares

 - from Anna Mumford

--
Just in case you've had a rough day (like you would ever have one of those!), here is a stress management technique recommended in all of the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works. So, relax and follow the steps:

 1. Picture yourself near a stream.
 2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
 3. No one but you knows your secret place.
  4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
 5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
 6. The water is crystal clear.
 7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater...

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--