[Rhodes22-list] did someone say jokes 1

[Michael Meltzer]

Don't tell anyone that you've got a "McJob." You could get a good dressing
down from Mayor McCheese. McDonald's Corp. is frying mad over
Merriam-Webster's inclusion of the word "McJob" in its latest lexicon. The
dictionary defines the word as "a low-paying job that requires little skill
and provides little opportunity for advancement." Hard to believe the suits
at Mickey D's would take umbrage at that kind of definition, isn't it?
McDonald's CEO says the definition isn't just inaccurate and insulting; its
inclusion in the dictionary is a trademark infringement. He wants it
Mc-Yanked. Webster is telling him to look up another word: "whatever."

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Thought for the Day........

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and
that's where you get shitty ideas from

 - from Patty Galvin

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These are actual analogies and metaphors that were found in high school
essays:

 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.
 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.
 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.
 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
 7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.
 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Melinda had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (think there are typo's here!)
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
22. "Oh, Jason, take me!", she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night.
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.

 - from Kevin Haggerty

--
(Mumf note: my sister, Carol, will like the ending!)

A Letter from Baylor Head Coach Guy Morris

Dear Bob,

I sincerely hope things are going well with you today. Are your wife and
children doing well? If you need anything at all to make things better, you
can always call on me. We all want to make fellow coaches' lives better
every chance we get, don't we?

I suppose I should say that we are really looking forward to playing the
Sooners Saturday but, the reality is, we will be grateful if we don't get
the green beat off of our uniforms before leaving Owen Field. I have watched
the film of the first quarter of your game with A&M (that's all I could
force myself to watch!) and it looks like your team is playing EXTREMELY
well. After considering how bad A&M beat us and how bad you beat them, my
problem is going to be finding 22 brave souls who are willing to don their
helmets and buckle up their chin straps. I have already had 16 requests for
flak jackets. Twenty six guys (the entire team and 4 of my assistants) are
demanding that you have 6 ambulances and 2 evac helicopters standing by.
Will that be a problem? If so, I can call them myself. Don't want to cause
you any undo stress, certainly. Do you happen to know if there is MASH unit
in Oklahoma that could set up triage on the practice field? How far is it to
a medical facility with a fully equipped emergency room? I hate to ask these
questions but please understand that team survival is part of my job
description. Of course, you would know that, being the head coach of the
Sooners. I have been told by Mack Brown that there isn't anything you don't
know about football and job descriptions and I certainly agree with that!

I don't know all of the NCAA's rules (who could possibly understand all of
that legalese anyway!) but do you know if it is permissible for either coach
to wave a white flag and put an end to a massacre should things get ugly?
Not that I would ever do that, but just wondering. Oh wait, I certainly
wasn't suggesting that you would want to do that Bob, PLEASE forgive the way
that sounded!!!!!!!

One last thing before closing, your scoreboard doesn't have room for 3
digits does it? Just wondering. Well Bob, I've got to go to the equipment
room to check on the number of tourniquets and body bags we have on hand. If
there was ANYTHING whatsoever that was inappropriate in this email, please
let me know immediately so that I can have a chance to correct the error
before Saturday. If the mistake is uncorrectable, it will give me a couple
of days to get Allied Moving Co. to my house before kickoff.

Sincerely,

Guy Morris, Head Football Coach
Baylor Bears

P.S.: My wife wanted to know if she could buy $35,000 worth of Mary Kay
products from the misses. She will likely need an equal amount next week. If
so, that would make her very happy, certainly!

 - from Ron Nichols

--
(Mumf note: I', a "Chocolate on Chocolate" fan, myself!)

If you were making a dessert and you had your choice of those below (or some
great bakery was baking the dessert of your choice), which would you choose?

Angel food

Brownies

Lemon Meringue

Vanilla with Chocolate Icing

Strawberry Short Cake

Chocolate on Chocolate

Ice Cream

Carrot Cake

NO... You can't change your mind once you scroll down! So think carefully,
what your choice is!


OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about you!


























Angel food... Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A
little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of
the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times

Brownies... You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs
and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You
are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend
to be very loyal.

Lemon Meringue... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an
excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and
chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many
friends.

Vanilla with Chocolate Icing... Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very
grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being
around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in
making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

Strawberry Short Cake... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people
and can be counted on in a pinch and they like having you around. You tend
to melt. You can be overly emotional and annoying at times.

Chocolate on Chocolate... Sexy, always ready to give and receive. You are
very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You have a cold
exterior but are warm on the inside. You are not afraid to take chances.
Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

Ice Cream... You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball,
or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy
watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to
be self-centered and high maintenance.

Carrot Cake... You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are
fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm
hearted person and a little quirky at times. You can also be very inpatient
at times. You have many loyal friends.

 - from Jay Pocius

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