[Rhodes22-list] did somone say jokes 2

[Michael Meltzer]

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory.
To entertain them, the Major called for a dancer from a nearby town. She
came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They
clapped for five minutes.

For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and g-string.
This time the applause went for 10 minutes. The next number she danced
topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on
stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major
expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But 10
minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this
time?"

She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one
hand?"

++
One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is
in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Black Lab just sitting there. "You
talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I
wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no
time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and
was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm
just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog. "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so
cheap?"

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap."

++
It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for Johnny. As a test,
the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to
50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40 with just a few
mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well.
He counted past 50, right up to 83. He was so excited that he ran home and
told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's
because you are from Arkansas, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite
the alphabet. Most made it about half way through without much trouble. Some
made it to M and N, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet right to W. That
evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new
school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "Son, that's because you are
from Arkansas."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny
noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well
endowed. This confused him. That night he told his dad," Dad, they all have
little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because
I'm from Arkansas?" he asked.

"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

 - from Jimi Pocius

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http://www.masswolf.com/missworld/missworld.html

 - from Sue Greene, pictured here as Miss USA

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