[Rhodes22-list] did somone say jokes 3

[Michael Meltzer]

All you have to do to make a woman happy is to be:

 1. a friend
 2. a companion
 3. a lover
 4. a brother
 5. a father figure
 6. a teacher
 7. an educator
 8. a cook
 9. a gardener
10. a carpenter
11. a driver
12. an engineer
13. a mechanic
14. an interior decorator
15. a stylist
16. a sex therapist
17. a gynecologist/obstetrician
18. a psychologist
19. a psychiatrist
20. a therapist
21. a good father
22. a gentleman
23. well organized
24. tidy
25. very clean
26. athletic
27. affectionate
28. affable
29. attentive
30. ambitious
31. amenable
32. articulate
33. bold
34. brave
35. creative
36. courageous
37. complimentary
38. capable
39. decisive
40. intelligent
41. imaginative
42. interesting
43. prudent
44. patient
45. polite
46. passionate
47. respectful
48. sweet
49. strong
50. skillful
51. supportive
52. sympathetic
53. tolerant
54. understanding
55. someone who loves shopping
56. someone who doesn't make problems
57. someone who never looks at other women
58. very rich

AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU:

59. are neither jealous nor disinterested
60. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than
with her.
61. give her her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes

ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:

62. Not forget the dates of: * anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first
date..) * graduation * birthday * menstruation * etc. * etc.

However, even if you observe these instructions perfectly, you are not 100%
guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with
the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the first
wild bastard- bohemian- drunk- bon voyeur she meets...

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Let him play with your tits!

 - from Chris "I Love Tits" Helin

--
A woman walks into a drugstore (Mumf note: we'll call her "Sue") and asks
the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

"Yes we do," he replies. "Would you like to buy some?"

"No," says the woman, "but do you mind if I wait around here until someone
does?"

 - from Sue Greene

--
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who
were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one
question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the
man on his right.

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no
forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest
thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the
second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever
happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliché for speed," as he turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall.
There's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is
the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to
the fourth man (Mumf note: we'll call him "John"), he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the
fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain.," said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think,
blink, or turn on the light, I'd shit in my pants!"

He got the job.

 - from John Redfield

--
A scientist from the University of Wisconsin has invented a bra that keeps
women's breasts from jiggling while walking or jogging and prevents the
nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken
outside by a large group of local men and had the shit kicked out of him.

++
150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private
investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. That was the beginning of
the Secret Service.

Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of
multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service". Can't
you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black
outfits with jackets saying across the backs: "F.A.T.A.S.S."

The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land
Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics
Enhancement Section or the..... A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.

I feel safer already....

 - from Sandy Fraser

--