[Rhodes22-list] more "no jokes for rummy"

[Michael Meltzer]

o I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced
by exact duplicates.
 o 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 o A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 o A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 o If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
 o All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
 o The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
(Think about it some more.)
 o I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
 o OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 o How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
 o If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
 o Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 o When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 o Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
 o Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
 o I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
 o If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
 o Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 o What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 o My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."
 o Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 o If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 o A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 o Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 o The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
 o To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
 o The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 o The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 o The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it

 - from Nancy Monroe

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THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40

 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
 3. No one expects you to run a marathon.
 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
 7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You keep hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list (or if you sent it out
before!).

 - from Sandy Fraser, who is waaaaay over 40!

--
http://www.wewantyoursoul.com/index.php

 - from Jimi Pocius

--
http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,12576,00.html?eol.tkr

++
The results of a study released this week confirms what the world's BOFHs
and sysadmins have known for ages: that users are a dangerous menace who
should not be allowed near anything more advanced than a fridge.

A staggering one in seven technologically challenged employees needs help
even switching their computers on and off, according to research
commissioned by City & Guilds.

The UK vocational awarding body's study of 405 random UK financial directors
revealed that, despite the fact that PCs have been around for over thirty
years, getting to grips with the devices is totally beyond many British
office workers. A fifth were found to struggle to save a document, more than
one in five need assistance printing, while a quarter cannot understand a
spreadsheet.

City & Guilds pointed out that, apart from greatly reducing productivity,
this lack of IT proficiency is causing IT support cost to sky-rocket as
beleaguered BOFHs struggle to distribute some clue to their gormless users.

British companies, according to the study, are forced to fork out an average
of 49,000 per year for additional IT support to bolster this skills
shortfall. Despite three quarters of businesses having in-house IT staff, a
fifth admitted they cannot handle all technical problems internally with a
third reliant on external support or helpdesks, and more than a quarter
employing IT contractors.

Additionally the poll indicated that the nation's businesses are losing an
average 312 employee hours as a result of technical incompetence.

According to City & Guilds, a lamentable lack of even basic IT training is
one of the main problems. One in five firms responding to the study admitted
employees have only basic IT skills and over one in ten said their workers
have no IT qualifications at all. The problem is apparently compounded by
the fact that more than one in 10 employers state that IT skills are
non-essential when hiring recruits.

 - from Sandy Fraser

--
Forget a "Ticket to Ride" -- Apple Computer is getting a ticket to court. In
a tangled tale of two Apples, the computer company has run afoul of Apple
Corps Ltd., the music company the Beatles begot in 1968, in order to, as
John Lennon once said, "play businessman." At the core of the matter is
Apple Computer's fruitful iTunes music download business. The two companies
settled a scrap over the name "Apple" years ago, but one of the conditions
was that the computer company stay out of the music business. With iTunes
and iPod digital music players, the Beatles machine just can't let it be,
and a court will have to figure out what to do.

--
(Mumf note: this next one was sent in by at least ten people!)

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey
lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe

 - from Kevin Haggerty (first)

--
There's a lot of shooting going on in the western forests of Germany. But
don't call PETA just yet -- webcams are doing the shooting. The German
Protection of Hunting Association has set up cameras from one end of the
woods to the other so that non-hunters can see what hungry wild boars and
frisky deer do when they don't think anyone is looking. Can you say "stag
party"? The Web wildness can be found at http://www.wildtiere-live.de.

--
Text messaging -- it's cool; it's convenient; it can so bust you if you send
it to the wrong person. Just ask a member of South Africa's parliament. He
meant to page his paramour with some titillating text. But he ended up
sending the message to someone else: his wife of 30 years. Oops. Yep, she
wants a divorce.

--
Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common
Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that
life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in
charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a
classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and
a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his
condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.  Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after
a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled a
bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

 - from Fred Frost

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