[Rhodes22-list] jokes and a real bad batch of puns :-)

[Michael Meltzer]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around
3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the
cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing
he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of
myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed),
in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then
he said,- "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said,-
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit,"
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

++
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend a sex filled
afternoon with her for $500. So they do.

Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but
that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check
for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am
not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I
was under the impression that:
 1) it had never been occupied
 2) that there was plenty of heat
 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large.


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if
you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do
not blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady!

 - from Fred Frost

--
Some Poor Puns

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, - only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

> >
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became
a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as: The lesser of
two weevils.

> >
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once again that: you can't have your kayak and heat
it, too.

> >
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

> >
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He
wanted to transcend dental medication.

> >
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

> >
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

> >
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the
men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back
and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Which proves only Hugh can
prevent florist friars.

> >
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

> >
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 - from Nancy Monroe

--
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she
was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her
honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love,
stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a
big fart. She looked up and said: "Aww So sorry...excuse please, front hole
so happy back hole laugh out loud."

 - from Brian DeMatteo

--