[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

The Nigerian SCO Connection

DEAR SIR/MADAM:

I AM MR. DARL MCBRIDE CURRENTLY SERVING AS THE PRESIDENT AND CHIEF EXECUTIVE
OFFICER OF THE SCO GROUP, FORMERLY KNOWN AS CALDERA SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL,
IN LINDON, UTAH, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. I KNOW THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE
YOUR BECAUSE WE HAVE HAD NO PREVIOUS COMMUNICATIONS OR BUSINESS DEALINGS
BEFORE NOW.

MY ASSOCIATES HAVE RECENTLY MADE CLAIM TO COMPUTER SOFTWARES WORTH AN
ESTIMATED $1 BILLION U.S. DOLLARS. I AM WRITING TO YOU IN CONFIDENCE BECAUSE
WE URGENTLY REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE TO OBTAIN THESE FUNDS.

IN THE EARLY 1970S THE AMERICAN TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH CORPORATION
DEVELOPED AT GREAT EXPENSE THE COMPUTER OPERATING SYSTEM SOFTWARE KNOWN AS
UNIX. UNFORTUNATELY THE LAWS OF MY COUNTRY PROHIBITED THEM FROM SELLING
THESE SOFTWARES AND SO THEIR VALUABLE SOURCE CODES REMAINED PRIVATELY HELD.
UNDER A SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT SOME PROGRAMMERS FROM THE CALIFORNIA UNIVERSITY
OF BERKELEY DID ADD MORE CODES TO THIS OPERATING SYSTEM, INCREASING ITS
VALUE, BUT NOT IN ANY WAY TO DILUTE OR DISPARAGE OUR FULL AND RIGHTFUL
OWNERSHIP OF THESE CODES, DESPITE ANY AGREEMENT BETWEEN AMERICAN TELEPHONE
AND TELEGRAPH AND THE CALIFORNIA UNIVERSITY OF BERKELEY, WHICH AGREEMENT WE
DENY AND DISAVOW.

IN THE YEAR 1984 A CHANGE OF REGIME IN MY COUNTRY ALLOWED THE AMERICAN
TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH CORPORATION TO MAKE PROFITS FROM THESE SOFTWARES. IN
THE YEAR 1990 OWNERSHIP OF THESE SOFTWARES WAS TRANSFERRED TO THE
CORPORATION UNIX SYSTEM LABORATORIES. IN THE YEAR 1993 THIS CORPORATION WAS
SOLD TO THE CORPORATION NOVELL. IN THE YEAR 1994 SOME EMPLOYEES OF NOVELL
FORMED THE CORPORATION CALDERA SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL, WHICH BEGAN TO
DISTRIBUTE AN UPSTART OPERATING SYSTEM KNOWN AS LINUX. IN THE YEAR 1995
NOVELL SOLD THE UNIX SOFTWARE CODES TO SCO. IN THE YEAR 2001 OCCURRED A
SEPARATION OF SCO, AND THE SCO BRAND NAME AND UNIX CODES WERE ACQUIRED BY
THE CALDERA SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL, AND IN THE FOLLOWING YEAR THE CALDERA
SYSTEMS INTERNATIONAL WAS RENAMED SCO GROUP, OF WHICH I CURRENTLY SERVE AS
CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER.

MY ASSOCIATES AND I OF THE SCO GROUP ARE THEREFORE THE FULL AND RIGHTFUL
OWNERS OF THE OPERATING SYSTEM SOFTWARES KNOWN AS UNIX. OUR ENGINEERS HAVE
DISCOVERED THAT NO FEWER THAN SEVENTY (70) LINES OF OUR VALUABLE AND
PROPRIETARY SOURCE CODES HAVE APPEARED IN THE UPSTART OPERATING SYSTEM
LINUX. AS YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE, THIS GIVES US A CLAIM ON THE MILLIONS OF
LINES OF VALUABLE SOFTWARE CODES WHICH COMPRISE THIS LINUX AND WHICH HAS
BEEN SOLD AT GREAT PROFIT TO VERY MANY BUSINESS ENTERPRISES. OUR LEGAL
EXPERTS HAVE ADVISED US THAT OUR CONTRIBUTION TO THESE CODES IS WORTH AN
ESTIMATED ONE (1) BILLION U.S. DOLLARS.

UNFORTUNATELY WE ARE HAVING DIFFICULTY EXTRACTING OUR FUNDS FROM THESE
COMPUTER SOFTWARES. TO THIS EFFECT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE MANDATE BY MY
COLLEAGUES TO CONTACT YOU AND ASK FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE. WE ARE PREPARED TO
SELL YOU A SHARE IN THIS ENTERPRISE, WHICH WILL SOON BE VERY PROFITABLE,
THAT WILL GRANT YOU THE RIGHTS TO USE THESE VALUABLE SOFTWARES IN YOUR
BUSINESS ENTERPRISE. UNFORTUNATELY WE ARE NOT ABLE AT THIS TIME TO SET A
PRICE ON THESE RIGHTS. THEREFORE IT IS OUR RESPECTFUL SUGGESTION, THAT YOU
MAY BE IMMEDIATELY A PARTY TO THIS ENTERPRISE, BEFORE OTHERS ACCEPT THESE
LUCRATIVE TERMS, THAT YOU SEND US THE NUMBER OF A BANKING ACCOUNT WHERE WE
CAN WITHDRAW FUNDS OF A SUITABLE AMOUNT TO GUARANTEE YOUR PARTICIPATION IN
THIS ENTERPRISE. AS AN ALTERNATIVE YOU MAY SEND US THE NUMBER AND EXPIRATION
DATE OF YOUR MAJOR CREDIT CARD, OR YOU MAY SEND TO US A SIGNED CHECK FROM
YOUR BANKING ACCOUNT PAYABLE TO "SCO GROUP" AND WITH THE AMOUNT LEFT BLANK
FOR US TO CONVENIENTLY SUPPLY.

KINDLY TREAT THIS REQUEST AS VERY IMPORTANT AND STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL. I
HONESTLY ASSURE YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL AND RISK-FREE.

 - from Sandy Fraser

--
(Mumf note: the next handful are some "oldies but goodies" Fairy Tales!)

Cinderella . . .

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball,
but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a
pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally,
at 5:00 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly... "Peter Peter...", something or other...."

++
Pinocchio . . .

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio
skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town
and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

++
Little Red Riding Hood . . .

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat,
said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a .44 magnum and
pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just
like it says in the book."

++
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse . . .

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to
Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

++
Snow White and Pinocchio . . .

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up to him,
knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me!
Lie to me!"

++
Captain Hook . .

Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch.

++
Tarzan . . .

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and
during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh,
I use hole in the trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how
to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and
spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to
gasp, "What the heck did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

 - from Fred Frost

--
Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new
lyrics to accommodate us.....good news, for those feeling a bit older and
missing those great old tunes.....
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"

The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"

Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"

Marvin Gaye -"I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"

Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"

Commodores -"Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"

Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

 - from Peter Kent

--