[Rhodes22-list] joke II

[Michael Meltzer]

(Mumf note: hope this finds you enjoying a beautiful day and not working --
if you ARE working, then God love ya! someone has to serve the rest of us!
Happy Labor Day to all that enjoy it!)

A History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember
about what went on in their life. Get paper and pencil and number 1 to 20.
Write the letter of each answer and score at the end. It obviously helps if
you're old.

 1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
 (a) On the floor shift knob
 (b) On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
 (c) Next to the horn

 2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what
was it used?
 (a) Capture lightning bugs
 (b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing
 (c) Large salt shaker

 3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
 (a) Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
 (b). Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
 (c.) Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze,
expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

 4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
 a. Blackjack
 b. Gin
 c. Craps!

 5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when
none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
 a. Suntan
 b. Leg painting
 c. Wearing slacks

 6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't
tell whether it was coming or going? a.
 a. Studebaker
 b. Nash Metro
 c. Tucker

 7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
 a. Strips of dried peanut butter
 b. Chocolate licorice bars
 c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

 8. How was Butch wax used?
 a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
 b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
 c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

 9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to
your shoes?
 a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
 b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
 c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
 a. Consider all the facts
 b. Ask Mom
 c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
 a. Smallpox
 b. AIDS
 c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
 a. SUV
 b. Taxi
 c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
 a. Old Blue
 b. Paint
 c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
 a. Part of the game of hide and seek
 b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
 c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an
A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
 a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
 b. Princess Sacajewea
 c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were
handed out in school?
 a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
 b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
 c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
 a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like
bubble gum
 b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household
items
 c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
 a. Meatballs
 b. Dames
 c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a
hit?
 a. The Ink Spots
 b. The Supremes
 c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
 a. Tony Bennett
 b. Xavier Cugat
 c. George Gershwin

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------


ANSWERS

 1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in
Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.
 2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
 3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle
top.
 4. a) Blackjack Gum.
 5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back
of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
 6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
 7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
 8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
 9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring
around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and
other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the
disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an
A- bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items
at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today..

-------------------------------------------------------------------
SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental
abilities. Now if you could only find your damn glasses. Definitely someone
who should share their wisdom!

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is getting keen.

 0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your
experiences

 - from Sue Greene

--
The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 5-year-old daughter
for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he
became upset when the child pasted the gold paper so as to decorate a box to
put under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift
box to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy."

The father was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared
again when he found the box was empty. He spoke to her in a harsh manner:
"Don't you know,young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed
to be something inside the package?

The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said: "Daddy,
it's not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full."

The father was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around his
little girl, and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later and it is
told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his
life. And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would
open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the
child who had put it there.

 - from Penny Turner

--
This would be funny if it weren't so true. . . (it's still funny)

 1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a
specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the
doghouse.
 2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his
own house is under renovation.
 3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his
doghouse can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
 4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to
a comfortable but secure metal cage.
 5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the
doghouse in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
 6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
 7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
 8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the
old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new
furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
 9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the
covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the
pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on
the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's
not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now
sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary
resident," even if it's true.

++
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of
his tongue." -Anonymous

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful." -Ann Landers

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they
went." -Will Rogers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben
Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself." -Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andrew A.
Rooney

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever
made." -M. Facklam

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who
are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." -Sigmund
Freud

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water
bowl." -Penny Ward Moser

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down." -Robert Benchley

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." -Rita Rudner

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current
events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of
late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are
often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a
dog." -Franklin P. Jones

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein

 - from Jay Pocius

--
Worshippers in Yemen may have felt sympathy for the man begging for change
at their mosque. But that sympathetic vibe quickly changed. In fact, it died
right around the time his cell phone came alive and rang from deep inside
his bag. Evidently, he forgot to turn it off (or set it to vibrate) before
he went to "work" begging. The Yemeni news agency Saba reports that the
bogus beggar took off right after the ill-timed call. The guy is hardly
destitute -- there are only about five telephones, landline and mobile, for
every 100 people in Yemen.

--
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently
was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would pout it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance
man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a majo
r problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out
a long- handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror
with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

 - from Carol Bagshaw