[Rhodes22-list] more joke

[Michael Meltzer]

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church
services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act
of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent
and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be
forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did
you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two .38's!"

 - from Ron Coveney

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 o Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things there, and drink whatever comes out?"
 o Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes out of its ass."
 o If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
 o Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
 o If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in that boat?
 o Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
 o Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they're
going to look up your snatch in the first place?
 o What do you call male ballerinas?
 o Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
 o If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
 o If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
 o If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
 o If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
 o Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
 o Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
 (Stop singing and read on...)
 o Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
 o Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your anus?
 o Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

 - from Patty Galvin

--
Susie Lee done fell in love
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so

Pappy told her, Susie gal
You'll have to find another
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know
But Joe is yo' half brother

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal
And please don't tell your Mother
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brothers

But Mama knew and said my child
Just do what makes yo' happy
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy

++
Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I suffer from
Anal Glaucoma."

Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

 - from Kevin Haggerty

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How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned
out bulb?
 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up
to code.
 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
 4. Rottweiler: Make me.
 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!(soo
true!)
 7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from
the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more
perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the
situation.
 8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.
 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
circle .
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
13. The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light
bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect
some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.

What is a Cat?

 1. Cats do what they want.
 2. They rarely listen to you.
 3. They're totally unpredictable.
 4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
 5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
 6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
 7. They're moody.
 8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

 1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture
in the house.
 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't
hear you when you're in the same room.
 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
 4. They growl when they are not happy.
 5. When you want to play, they want to play.
 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
 7. They leave their toys everywhere.
 8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a
kiss.
 9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats

 - from Ron Nichols

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