[Rhodes22-list] Hey Slim, This News Just in from MN

[brad haslett]

Newsweek Lutefisk Story Sparks Fury Across Volatile
Midwest

Decorah, IA - The debris-strewn streets of this remote
Midwestern hamlet remain under a tense 24-hour curfew
tonight, following weekend demonstrations by rock- and
figurine-throwing Lutheran farm wives that left over
200 people injured and leveled the Whippy Dip dairy
freeze. The rioting appeared to be prompted, in part,
by a report in Newsweek magazine claiming military
guards at Spirit Lake’s notorious Okoboji internment
center had flushed lutefisk down prison toilets.
Newsweek’s late announcement of a retraction seems to
have done little to quell the inflamed passions of
Lutheran insurgents in the region, as outbreaks of
violent mailbox bashings and cow tippings have been
reported from Bowbells, North Dakota to Pekin,
Illinois.

Whether the violence was triggered by Newsweek’s
report of lutefisk desecration or frustration over
chronic shortages of Beanie Babies and Old Style, one
thing seems certain – occupying U.S. troops face a
steep road to reestablish trust in this tinderbox of
ancient hatreds and delicious dairy products. Some
analysts say the latest outbreak represents the most
vexing challenge to US strategy since its invasion the
region three years ago. 

“It could be months before we get the area back under
control,” said Brigadier Gen. Glen Hastings of the US
Army’s Southern Minnesota Command. “We’re hoping the
tractor pull and swap meet seasons will help calm down
some of the violent elements.” 

‘Campground of Evil’

Military efforts to stabilize the violent ethnic
Protestantism of the region have had a mixed record of
success. U.S. paratroopers first landed along the
Iowa/Minnesota border in early 2002 to root out
extremist Uff Da militants, followers of the
charismatic Lutheran cleric Pastor Duane Gunderson.
Despite fears of being bogged down in the harsh
Mankato winter, troops encountered little resistance,
save sporadic eggings from ill-equipped insurgents
atop the grain elevators of local cornlords. U.S.
forces achieved swift success, taking as many as 1,500
Lutheran rebels into custody and bringing a momentary
measure of stability to what has long been considered
a dangerous Scandinavian backwater.

The initial battlefield victories, however, have since
proven to be only the beginning of the American
struggle here. The subsequent occupation created a
number of difficult challenges critics claim were
overlooked by the White House’s top Midwest war
planners. The tipping point seems to have been a 2004
incident at the now notorious Okoboji.

First constructed as a boredom punishment camp for
Midwest dissident youth, the US Military Command
converted the sprawling Arnold’s Park / Lake Okoboji
area into an internment facility to house insurgent
detainees. Almost immediately stories began to surface
of prisoner mistreatment, including vivisections, anal
probes by extraterrestrial strippers, and blackouts of
Viking games.

American military spokesmen initially dismissed the
stories, but several news organizations – led by
Newsweek – obtained a series of shocking photos of a
Texas Army Reservist, Tyffanie Cruddup, laughing as
she humiliates a naked inmate by putting a Dallas
Cowboys stocking hat on his head. 

The photos sent the Lutheran street into riots as far
as Rheinlander, Wisconsin, and sent shockwaves
throughout the media world. The incident received
heavy play on network and cable news, the New York
Times, Washington Post, Le Monde, the Guardian,
Packers Illustrated, and was the subject of over a
dozen off-Broadway dramas during the 2004 season. For
its part, Newsweek ran a record eight consecutive
covers on Okoboji, along with a special commemorative
November 3 collector’s issue with pull-out humiliation
poster.

Luting and Looting

In the wake of the incident, American military
spokespeople have taken pains to defend handling of
prisoners at Okoboji. A series of new guidelines
instruct guards to “respect the rituals and traditions
of our valued Lutheran prison guests,” including
“dietary needs, Wednesday Nite Bingo, and twice daily
viewing of Wheel of Fortune.”

“It is important that we remember that Lutheranism is
a religion of peace,” said Army spokesman Maj. Richard
Lehrman. “And we need to remember to avoid insensitive
behavior and remarks that will cause these peaceful
Lutherans to go on another bloody killing rampage.”

Despite officials’ claims of intensified sensitivity,
rumors have persisted of continued prisoner abuse at
Okoboji, including lutefisk desecration – an
especially heinous crime under Lutheran doctrine. Some
analysts have viewed the rumors skeptically, pointing
to the Uff Da insurgent training manual “How To Lie
About Lutefisk Desecration By Infidels.” Still, dozens
of news organizations continue to investigate the
charges.

In its May 6 “Midwest Quagmire Wire” section, Newsweek
appeared to have confirmed the lutefisk rumors.
Bylined by Senior Correspondent Michael Isikoff, the
magazine cited an unidentified source claiming that
Okoboji guards had deliberately flushed an entire
batch of the pungent cod-and-lye concoction that
prisoners had been aging in a specially prepared
commode. “The guard smelled it and thought it was
prison burrito night,” the source was quoted as
saying.

News of the desecration spread quickly from Iowa to
the Dakotas to Minnesota and Wisconsin, fanned by
radio soybean reports and Lutheran clerics in fiery
pancake breakfast sermons. Soon, enraged farm wives,
clad in their traditional sweater vests and Disney
jackets, had taken to the streets and begun a wild
spree of destruction, overturning hundreds of rusty
Blazers and Pontiac Grand Ams and hurling flaming
Lladro porcelain figurines. Decorah was particularly
hard-hit, as a frenzied throng of ululating Iowa women
were seen looting needlepoint geese and rabbit
tchotchkes from a Victorian craft shop. In a chilling
moment caught on Army night vision cameras, their
plus-size leader urges the mob to attack the near-by
Pamida.

“Ya, you betcha!” came the chant of her enraged
coreligionist.

After battling back the women with volleys of teargas
and Land’s End catalogs, a detachment of California
reservists finally quelled the riot early Sunday
morning, and attended to the injured.

Fake But Not Completely Implausible

As soldiers patrolled the streets of Decorah,
Faribault and La Crosse Sunday, Newsweek Editor Mark
Whitaker issued a surprising, terse clarification of
the original story, saying that the magazine could “no
longer vouch for every detail of the story, including
the brand of lye used, the number of soldiers and
prisoners present, or possibly whether any of it
actually happened.” 

Whitaker, however, declined to retract the story,
saying that the magazine was “standing behind its
essential plausibility.” 

“Obviously, if it causes thousands of native gals go
on a berserk looting rampage, there’s got to be
something believable in there somewhere,” said
Whitaker. “Obviously, it’s now up to the
Administration and the DoD to disprove these charges,
once they finish cleaning up the carnage.” 

In a later and terser clarification, Whitaker said
that the magazine’s anonymous source could no longer
remember whether he had ever been to Iowa, was in the
military, or knew how to pronounce ‘lutefisk.’ In a
still-later, and yet-terser clarification, Whitaker
finally retracted the story after revealing that its
anonymous source was Kippy, Michael Isikoff’s
imaginary childhood friend. 

“This is a really unfortunate accident for everybody,”
said Whitaker. “But let’s not forget the real victims
here – Newsweek, Mike Isikoff, and especially Kippy.”

While retracting the Okoboji accusations, Whitaker
said Newsweek stood by the original article’s final
two sentences, “Boo-yah! In your FACE, Chimpy!”

Despite the Newsweek’s humiliating public retraction
of the controversial lutefisk abuse charges, tensions
remain high across the upper Midwest. Many here
discount the retraction as being coerced by White
House “crusaders,” and believe that other abuses are
being covered up at Okoboji.

“Oh yahh, I tell ya what, dere’s a lotta bad stuff
goin’ on in dat outfit over dere,” said a young
Decorah cleric who identified himself only as ‘Pastor
Doug.’ “I heard dem infidels are switchin’ da
prisoner’s Leinies with Schlitz.”


--- Steve Alm <salm at mn.rr.com> wrote:
> Right you are, Tom.  And only a little watering and
> some fertilizer (manure)
> required.
> 
> On 5/19/05 3:13 PM, "SVTRITON at aol.com"
> <SVTRITON at aol.com> wrote:
> 
> > the american people listened and planted 2 Bushes
> in the white house
> > tom
> > __________________________________________________
> > Use Rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org, Help?
> www.rhodes22.org/list
> 
> __________________________________________________
> Use Rhodes22-list at rhodes22.org, Help?
> www.rhodes22.org/list
> 


		
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