[Rhodes22-list] ONLY REAL (!!) NEW YAWKERS WILL APPRECIATE THIS:

[michael meltzer]

ONLY REAL (!!) NEW YAWKERS WILL APPRECIATE THIS:

 o YOU TAKE THE TRAIN HOME AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE
ON THE PLATFORM 
THE
DOORS WILL OPEN THAT WILL LEAVE YOU RIGHT IN FRONT OF
THE EXIT 
STAIRWAY.
 o YOU KNOW WHAT A "REGULAR" COFFEE IS.
 o IT'S NOT MANHATTAN; IT'S THE "CITY".
 o YOU GET UPSET THAT A CABBIE IS OBEYING ALL THE
RULES OF THE ROAD.
 o YOU'RE WILLING TO TAKE IN STRANGE PEOPLE AS
ROOMMATES SIMPLY TO HELP 
PAY
THE RENT.
 o THERE IS NO NORTH AND SOUTH. IT'S "UPTOWN" OR
"DOWNTOWN."
 o IF YOU'RE REALLY FROM NEW YORK YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY
NO CONCEPT OF 
WHERE
NORTH AND SOUTH ARE.... AND EAST OR WEST IS
"CROSSTOWN."
 o YOU CROSS THE STREET ANYWHERE BUT ON THE CORNERS
AND YOU YELL AT 
CARS FOR
NOT RESPECTING THE FACT.
 o YOU MOVE 8,000 MILES AWAY, SPEND 10 YEARS LEARNING
THE LOCAL 
LANGUAGE AND
PEOPLE STILL KNOW YOU'RE FROM BROOKLYN THE MINUTE YOU
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
 o YOU RETURN AFTER 10 YEARS AND THE FIRST FOODS YOU
WANT ARE A "REAL" 
PIZZA
AND "REAL" BAGEL.
 o A 500 SQUARE FOOT APARTMENT IS LARGE.
 o YOUR CO-WORKER COMMUTES 45 MINUTES BY TRAIN TO A
3,000 SQUARE FOOT 
HOUSE
IN THE SUBURBS THAT WAS THE SAME PRICE AS THAT SAME
500 SQUARE FOOT
APARTMENT OF YOURS THAT TAKES ONLY 35 MINUTES TO GET
TO AND YOU THINK 
HE'S A
SUCKER.
 o YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ALL THE DIFFERENT
RAY'S PIZZAS.
 o YOU ARE NOT UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT ANY
HUMAN BEING WOULD 
BE
ABLE TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND A P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT ON THE
SUBWAY.
 o YOU KNOW WHO MR. G. IS. (Mumf query: is it Joe
Guglielmo? -- my bad;
that's "Joey G.")
 o YOU HAVE AT LEAST 50 MENUS IN YOUR APARTMENT, TWO
THIRDS OF WHICH 
YOU
HAVE NEITHER ORDERED FROM NOR EVEN HEARD OF.
 o YOU WOULDN'T BOTHER ORDERING PIZZA IN ANY OTHER
CITY.
 o YOU KNOW THAT OFF-THE-SHELF INSECTICIDES ARE JUST
LAUGHING GAS TO 
THE
SUPERIOR ROACHES COHABITATING WITH YOU IN THE 500
SQUARE FOOT 
APARTMENT.
 o YOU GET READY TO ORDER DINNER EVERY NIGHT AND MUST
CHOOSE FROM THE 
MAJOR
FOOD GROUPS which are: CHINESE, ITALIAN, MEXICAN OR
INDIAN.
 o YOU'RE NOT IN THE LEAST BIT INTERESTED IN GOING TO
TIMES SQUARE ON 
NEW
YEAR'S EVE.
 o YOUR INTERNAL CLOCK IS PERMANENTLY SET TO KNOW WHEN
ALTERNATE SIDE 
OF THE
STREET PARKING REGULATIONS ARE IN EFFECT.
 o YOU KNOW WHAT A BODEGA IS.
 o YOU KNOW HOW TO FOLD THE NEW YORK TIMES IN HALF,
VERTICALLY, SO THAT 
YOU
CAN READ IT ON THE SUBWAY OR BUS WITHOUT KNOCKING OFF
OTHER PASSENGER'S
HATS.
 o SOMEONE BUMPS INTO YOU, AND YOU CHECK FOR YOUR
WALLET.
 o YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE NICE LADY WALKING DOWN
THE ROAD HAVING A
PERFECTLY NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH HERSELF.
 o YOU PAY "ONLY" $230 A MONTH TO PARK YOUR CAR.
 o YOU CRINGE AT HEARING PEOPLE PRONOUNCE HOUSTON ST.
LIKE THE CITY IN
TEXAS.
 o THE PRESIDENTIAL VISIT IS A MAJOR TRAFFIC JAM, NOT
AN HONOR.
 o FILM CREWS ON YOUR BLOCK ANNOY YOU, NOT EXCITE YOU.
(THEY TAKE UP 
ALL THE
PARKING SPACES!)
 o YOU CAN NAP ON THE SUBWAY AND NEVER MISS YOUR STOP.
 o THE DELI GUY GIVES YOU A STRAW WITH ANY BEVERAGE
YOU BUY, EVEN IF IT 
IS
BEER.



		
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