[Rhodes22-list] Jokes

Tue May 2 23:48:37 EDT 2006

International Rules of Manhood

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
    a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    c. After wrecking your boss' car.
    d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game."
    e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his buddies.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never, ever ask who's
playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel
..and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
    a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
    b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
    c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e.
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics.
Ever

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--
Jewish Mothers . . . .

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that
he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the
house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then
says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

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The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese
food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton
spelled backwards is "Not Now."

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There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish
tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from
medical school.

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Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

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Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess X rated horror movie?
A: It's called Debbie Does Dishes.

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Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

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A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good", says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call."

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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a
part in the school play.

"Wonderful! What part is it?" replies his mother.

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The mother scowls. "That's terrible. Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."

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Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

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Q: How does a Jewish mother change a light bulb?
A: "Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark. I don't want I should bother
anybody."

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Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street
and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself!" she replied.

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Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

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Jewish telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow."

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--
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your
nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in
will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Works every time!)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to
the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the
aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss
will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will
have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of
landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness
and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are
talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will
stop making it. (This is really true!!!)

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