[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and
takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets
nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and
pulls a frog out of it.

"Cute," says the woman. "Is that a pet?"
 
The man smiled. "Yes, and he's good at doing tricks too."
 
"Like what?"
 
"He eats pussy. Come back to my place and I'll prove it to you."
 
Once in the bedroom, the girl strips off and puts the frog between her legs.
The frog doesn't move. After a couple of minutes, the woman looks at the
immobile frog, and finally demands, "Well?"

The man shakes his head sorrowfully, picks up the frog and says, "Okay, you
idiot, I'm only going to show you one more time."
 
++
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting.
"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" goes the noise form within the mental
hospital's wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches
for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small
crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the
eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: "Fourteen! Fourteen!
Fourteen!"
 
++
In search of adventure, an attractive young lady decided to head for the Far
East, and stowed herself away on the first ship available. After a month,
she was discovered by the captain, who was surprised to see that, despite
her time at sea, she was remarkably well fed and clean. Though realizing she
must have been befriended by someone on board, he was surprised when she
admitted that she had been to the cabin of his trusted first officer every
morning. Apparently, the nice young man provided a hot bath and three-course
meal, and said that he would continue to do so until they reached Japan.

"And what did he ask in return?" demanded the captain.

"Well, you might say that he took advantage," blushed the girl.

"I'll say he did," chuckled the old sea dog, rubbing his whickers. "You're
on the Liverpool to Birkenhead ferry!"
 
 
++
A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by
three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first says to him,
"Have you ever been hugged?"
 
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug. The second
says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"

He shakes his head. She kisses him.

Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"

"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.

"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."
 
++
After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together.
They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that
his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all
arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the
huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman
decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as
they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and
asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have
any prize from the bottom shelf."
 
++
A man goes into a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight. The assistant takes
one out, points out the window and says: "This baby is so good, you can see
right into my house on that hill way over there." The man looks through the
sight at the house and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the
assistant.

"Well, I can see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house,"
replies the customer.

Snatching the 'scope back, the assistant cranes his eye through the sight
and sure enough, there is his wife, naked, being hotly pursued by an excited
young man. Furious, the assistant says to the man, "If I give you two
bullets, will you blow my wife's head off with one and take the man's dick
out with the other? I'll give you the telescopic sight for free if you do."
 
"Okay," the man says, as he takes out his rifle and attacks the sight.
Taking a quick look through it before loading, he hands one bullet back.
"You know what?" he says. "I think I can do this with just one shot."
 
++
There's an old couple sitting watching TV, when the woman decides she's got
to do something to spice up their lackluster sex life. With a mischievous
glint in her eye, she goes upstairs and searches through her wardrobe. She
finds an old pair of stockings and suspenders, a moth-eaten basque and a
fancy-dress cape. Putting them on, she creeps downstairs and kicks open the
living-room door. "Darling!" she shouts, running in. "Super Pussy!" Her
husband glances up, then looks back at the television. "I'll have the soup,
thanks."
 
++
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spots an arm waving from the shadows
of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolls to a stop at the
curb, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door. Checking his rear view
mirror as he pulls away, the cabbie is startled to see a dripping wet, naked
woman sitting in the back seat. "Er, where to?" he stammers. 
 
"Just take me to the Union Station," answers the woman. 
 
"You got it," he nods, taking another long glance in the mirror.
 
Looking up, the woman catches him staring. "Just what the hell are you
looking at, driver?" 
 
The driver coughs politely. "Well, I'd just noticed that you're completely
naked." 
 
"So?" 
 
"Well I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." 
 
Nodding slowly, the woman spreads her legs and puts her feet up on the front
seat headrests. "Well," she smiles at the driver. "Does this answer your
question?" 
"Bloody hell," cries the cabbie, still staring in the mirror. "Got anything
smaller?"
 
++
Nervously pacing up and down a hospital corridor, a man waits as his wife
gives birth to their first child. After a long labor the doctor comes out
and tells the man that he is the father of a baby boy. The man is overjoyed,
and rushes in to his wife who smiles weakly and gives him the child.
Overcome, the tearful father asks the midwife if there is anything he can do
to help. Sensing that the dad wants to share in the occasion the midwife
tells him to take the baby and bathe it next door. After a few minutes the
midwife pops in to see how the man is getting on. She jumps back in dismay
when she sees what the new dad is doing. He has two fingers firmly lodged up
the infant's nose and is dragging the child through the water in
figure-of-eights. "Good God!" she shouts. "That's not how to bathe a
new-born!" 
 
"It bloody well is," the man replies, "when the water's this hot."
 
++
An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is
forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and
waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car,
he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he appears to have located
the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal,
mate."
 
To which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No, I haven't. That's just frost on my
moustache."
 
++
What's the connection between a fat woman and a moped? They're both great to
ride unless your mates see you on one.
 
++
Two ducks check into a hotel for a dirty weekend. They get up to their room,
only to discover they've no condoms. "No problem," quacks the male, "I'll
just call down to room service and get them to bring one up."

A few minutes later, room service is knocking at the door. The male duck
waddles over, takes the condom and tips the lad. "Sir," asks the man, before
leaving, "should I put that on your bill?"

"Christ no!" quacks the duck, startled, "what do you think I am, some kind
of pervert?!"
 
++
An extremely wealthy 80-year-old arrived for his annual check-up and smiled
when the doctor enquired about his health. "Never better," he announced
proudly. "I've taken an 18-year-old bride, and she's pregnant. What do you
think of that?"
 
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "I once knew a guy who
was an avid hunter. One day he slept in, and in the subsequent rush, he
dashed out with his umbrella instead of his rifle."
 
"Go on, doc," said the old-timer
 
"Deep in the woods, he faced a huge, angry bear, raised his umbrella,
pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what
happened?" Dumbfounded, the old codger shook his head. "The bear fell dead
in front of him."
 
"That's impossible," exclaimed the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must
have been doing the shooting."
 
Sighing, the doctor gave his patient a friendly pat on the back. "That's
what I'm getting at."
 
++
After marrying a younger woman, a middle-aged man finds that no matter what
he does in the sack, she never achieves orgasm. So he visits his doctor for
advice. "Maybe fantasy is the solution," says the doctor. "Why not hire a
strapping young man and, while you two are making love, have him wave a
towel over you?" The doctor smiles. "Make sure he's totally naked - that way
your wife can fantasize her way to a full-blown orgasm."

Optimistic, he returns home and hires a handsome young escort. But it's no
use: even when the stud stands naked, waving the towel, the wife remains
unsatisfied. Perplexed, the man returns to his doctor. 
 
"Try reversing it for a while," says the quack. "Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
 
And so he returns home to try again - this time, waving the towel as the
same escort pumps away enthusiastically. Soon, the wife has an enormous,
screaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel and taps the young
man on the shoulder. "You see?" he shouts triumphantly. "That's how you wave
a bloody towel."
 
++
 
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his
first day there he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied up at the
back of the barracks. He asked hi sergeant what this animal was for. The
sergeant replied, "Well, sir, we're a fair distance from anywhere, and the
men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
 
The captain thinks about this, and says, "Well, if it's good for morale,
then I suppose it's all right with me."
 
After he has been at the fort for about six months, the captain became very
frustrated himself. Finally he could stand it no longer and so he told his
sergeant, "Bring in the camel!" 
 
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's
quarters. The captain then got a foot stool and began to have vigorous sex
with the camel. As he stepped down, satisfies, and was buttoning his pants
up, he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
 
The sergeant replied, "Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride to the
brothel in town."
 
++
A young journalist gets a job at a provincial newspaper in the middle of the
prairies. His first assignment was to write a human-interest story. Driving
through the cornfields, he spied an old farm-hand and introduced himself.
"Out here in the middle of nowhere - has anything ever happened that made
you happy?"
 
"Yup!" he exclaimed, suddenly. "One time my neighbor's daughter, got lost.
So we formed a posse, we eventually found her. After we all screwed her, we
took her home."

The young journo blanched. "I can't print that! Has anything else happened?"
 
The farmer thought again. "Yeah!" he said. "One of my neighbor's sheep got
lost. We found it and all screwed it before we took it back home."

"Christ!" yelled the young man. "I can't print that either! OK - has
anything around here that made you particularly sad?"

The old man looked at the ground. "Well," he said sheepishly. "I got lost,
once."
 
++
An elderly man walks into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
really young girl for the night. The old steamer gives him a puzzled look
and asks the fellow how old he is. "Why," the man says, "I'm 98 years old."
"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh,"
he says, "how much do I owe you, then?"
 
++
A drunk is stumbling through the woods when he happens upon a preacher
baptizing folk in the river. He ambles down to the water's edge then trips
and falls down before the holy man. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
the preacher pipes up: "Lord have mercy on your drunken soul, brother - are
you ready to find Jesus?"
 
Out of his skull, the drunk agrees: "Yes, I am!" he replies.
 
And with that, the preacher grabs him and dunks him under the water. Moments
later, he drags the boozer back up: "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, preacher," stammers the drunk, "I have not!"

Stunned by this, the preacher sends the drunk down again...this time leaving
him there a little longer. Shortly he drags him back up again: "Rid your
soul of the poison, brother - have you found Jesus?"

Gasping for air, the drunk splutters a reply: "No, preacher - I have not!"

At his wit's end, the preacher sends the drunk down one last time. A full
minute later, he pulls him out: "For the love of God," shouts the preacher,
"tell me you've found Jesus!"

Coughing his lungs up, the drunk wipes his eyes and turns to the preacher:
"You sure this is where he fell in?"
 
++
A married couple receive a bank statement with a huge overdraft. They also
receive a final demand for the gas bill. So they agree to save money. That
evening, they are watching TV when the man gets up and tells his wife that
he's off down the pub. Outraged, the wife informs him that he has no right
to go to the pub and leave her at home when they need to economize. The
husband nods and tells his wife to put her coat on. Surprised and amazed,
the wife asks, "Why, are we going out together?"
 
"No," he says. "I'm turning the heating off."