[Rhodes22-list] Tool definitions

[john Belanger]

good chuckle. elle won't like the references to women but otherwise great, especially the bolt extractor. thanks

R22RumRunner at aol.com wrote:  These are things you know how to use but never knew they had perfect 
definitions.
> 
> 
> DRILL PRESS:
> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks
> you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
> splattering it against that freshly stained heirloom
> piece you were drying.
> 
> WIRE WHEEL:

> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes
> fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from
> fingers in about the time it takes you to say.....
> "Oh sh--!!!"
> 
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
> Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
> until you die of old age.
> 
> SKILL SAW:
> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
> 
> PLIERS:
> Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
> creation of blood-blisters.< BR>
> NOTE: Most often the tool used by all women.
> 
> BELT SANDER:
> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
> touchup jobs into major refinishing projects.
> 
> HACKSAW:
> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
> Board principle. It transforms human energy into a
> crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
> to influence its course, the more dismal your future
> becomes.
> 
> VISE-GRIPS:
> Generally used after pliers to completely round off
> bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also
> be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
> your hand.
> 
> WELDING GLOVES:
> Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conductor
> of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
> 
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
> Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
> the grease inside the wheel hub you want the race out of.
> 
> WHITWORTH SOCKET S: 
> Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating
> that 9/16 or socket you've been searching for the last
> 45 minutes.
> 
> TABLE SAW:
> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
> wood projectiles for testing wall integrity and operator
> reflexes/dodging capabilities.
> 
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
> have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the bumper.
> 
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
> Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped
> hydraulic jack handle.
> 
> TWEEZERS:
> A tool for removing all types of wood splinters (see
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4) and wire wheel debris.
> 
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
> A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that
> snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
> possible future use.
> 
> RADIAL ARM SAW:
> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
> to scare beginners into choosing another line of work.
> 
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
> everything you forgot to disconnect.
> 
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
> A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately
> machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
> 
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
> See hacksaw.
> 
> TROUBLE LIGHT:
> The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
> a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D (the
> sunshine vitamin), which is not otherwise found under
> cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose
> is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
> that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
> the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
> often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
> 
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
> Normally used to stab the vacuum s eals under lids and
> for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and 
> splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
> the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> 
> NOTE: Women excel at using this tool.
> 
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
> common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
> 
> AIR COMPRESSOR:
> A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
> compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
> Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusted bolts which
> were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford,
> and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly
> snap off lug nuts.
> 
> PRY BAR:
> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
> or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
> 50 cent part.
> 
> HOSE CUTTER:
> A tool used to make hoses too short.
> 
> HAMMER:
> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
> the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are
> trying to hit.
> 
> NOTE: Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in
> walls when hanging pictures.
> 
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
> Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
> particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
> records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
> 
> NOTE: Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
> only while in use.
> 
> DAMMIT TOOL:
> Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
> garage while yelling "DAMMIT!!" at the top of your
> lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you
> will need.




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