[Rhodes22-list] How to Sing The Blues -- Joke
Steve Alm
rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org
Fri, 09 Aug 2002 03:25:52 -0500
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Not too far a stretch (reference to the gallows--a perfectly acceptable
blues way to die) from the essential elements of the =B3Perfect Country
Western Song=B2 by David Allen Coe and Steve Goodman:
I was drunk the day that Mom got out of prison,
And I went to pick her up in the pourin=B9 rain,
But before I got to the station in my pickup truck,
She got runned over by the damned ol=B9 train.
Slim (Slim Chance and the Gamblers)
On 8/8/02 9:04 PM, "G & D Barrera" <dbarrera@attbi.com> wrote:
> Bill
> =20
> Liked your run down and only have to offer, dogs.
> As in the famous blues tune:
> "My old yeller dog got run down by a train" 2X
> "Im gona git that train".
> Dogs can just be "dog", old blue, junkyard, mangy, shiftless, no good,
> toothless, etc.
> Muffy, Muffin, Snowflake, Suzie, and Snickers, or any name with a "II" or=
a
> "III" after it are not good names for a blues tune.
> Just my opinion.
> =20
> Glen
> =20
> =20
> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: Bill Effros <mailto:bill@effros.com>
>> To: R22 List <mailto:rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org>
>> Sent: Thursday, August 08, 2002 11:10 AM
>> Subject: [Rhodes22-list] How to Sing The Blues -- Joke
>>=20
>> 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
>>=20
>> 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues. Unless you
>> stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with
>> the meanest face in town."
>>=20
>> 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
>> Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the
>> meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
>> town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
>>=20
>> 4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
>> ditch--ain't no way out.
>>=20
>> 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
>> don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles of any kind.
>> Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet
>> aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
>> Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to
>> die.
>>=20
>> 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
>> Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to
>> get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
>>=20
>> 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place
>> in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just
>> clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the
>> best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place
>> that don't get rain.
>>=20
>> 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
>> pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not
>> the blues. Breaking your leg escaping an outraged husband is.
>>=20
>> 9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting
>> is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
>>=20
>> 10. Good places for the Blues:
>> a. highway
>> b. jailhouse
>> c. empty bed
>> d. bottom of a whiskey glass
>>=20
>> 11. Bad places for the Blues:
>> a. Nordstrom's
>> b. gallery openings
>> c. Ivy League institutions
>> d. golf courses
>>=20
>> 12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
>> happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
>>=20
>> 13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
>> Yes, if:
>> a. you older than dirt
>> b. you blind
>> c. you shot a man in Memphis
>> d. you can't be satisfied
>>=20
>> No, if:
>> a. you have all your teeth
>> b. you were once blind but now can see
>> c. the man in Memphis lived
>> d. you have a 401K or trust fund
>>=20
>> 14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
>> Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people
>> also got a leg up on the blues.
>>=20
>> 15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
>> Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey
>> or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee
>>=20
>> The following are NOT Blues beverages:
>> a. Perrier
>> b. Chardonnay
>> c. Snapple
>> d. Slim Fast
>>=20
>> 16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
>> death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
>> die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
>> broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a
>> tennis match or while getting liposuction.
>>=20
>> 17. Some Blues names for women:
>> a. Sadie
>> b. Big Mama
>> c. Bessie
>> d. Fat River Dumpling
>>=20
>> 18. Some Blues names for men:
>> a. Joe
>> b. Willie
>> c. Little Willie
>> d. Big Willie
>>=20
>> 19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Buffy, and Heather can't
>> sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
>>=20
>> 20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
>> a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
>> Lame,etc.)
>> b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,
>> Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
>> Fillmore, etc.)
>>=20
>> For example:
>> Blind Lime Jefferson,
>> Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or
>> Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
>>=20
>> 21. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot
>> sing the blues.
>>=20
>>=20
>>=20
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<TITLE>Re: [Rhodes22-list] How to Sing The Blues -- Joke</TITLE>
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<FONT FACE=3D"Verdana">Not too far a stretch (reference to the gallows--a per=
fectly acceptable blues way to die) from the essential elements of the ̶=
0;Perfect Country Western Song” by David Allen Coe and Steve Goodman:<=
BR>
<BR>
I was drunk the day that Mom got out of prison, <BR>
And I went to pick her up in the pourin’ rain,<BR>
But before I got to the station in my pickup truck,<BR>
She got runned over by the damned ol’ train.<BR>
<BR>
Slim (Slim Chance and the Gamblers)<BR>
<BR>
On 8/8/02 9:04 PM, "G & D Barrera" <dbarrera@attbi.com>=
wrote:<BR>
<BR>
</FONT><BLOCKQUOTE><FONT FACE=3D"Verdana">Bill<BR>
<BR>
Liked your run down and only have to offer, dogs. <BR>
As in the famous blues tune:<BR>
"My old yeller dog got run down by a train" 2X<BR>
"Im gona git that train".<BR>
Dogs can just be "dog", old blue, junkyard, mangy, shiftles=
s, no good, toothless, etc.<BR>
Muffy, Muffin, Snowflake, Suzie, and Snickers, or any name with a "II&=
quot; or a "III" after it are not good names for a blues tune.<BR>
Just my opinion.<BR>
<BR>
Glen<BR>
<BR>
<BR>
----- Original Message ----- <BR>
</FONT><BLOCKQUOTE><FONT FACE=3D"Verdana"><B>From:</B> Bill Effros <mailto=
:bill@effros.com> <BR>
<B>To:</B> R22 List <mailto:rhodes22-list@rhodes22.org> <BR>
<B>Sent:</B> Thursday, August 08, 2002 11:10 AM<BR>
<B>Subject:</B> [Rhodes22-list] How to Sing The Blues -- Joke<BR>
<BR>
</FONT><FONT FACE=3D"Times New Roman">1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this=
morning..."<BR>
<BR>
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues. Un=
less you<BR>
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with=
<BR>
the meanest face in town."<BR>
<BR>
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.<BR>
Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the<=
BR>
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face i=
n<BR>
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."=
;<BR>
<BR>
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in =
a<BR>
ditch--ain't no way out.<BR>
<BR>
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues=
<BR>
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles of any kind.<BR>
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. J=
et<BR>
aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.<BR>
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to<=
BR>
die.<BR>
<BR>
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.<BR>
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being ol=
d enough to<BR>
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.<BR>
<BR>
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place<BR>
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just<BR>
clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still th=
e<BR>
best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place=
<BR>
that don't get rain.<BR>
<BR>
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with mal=
e<BR>
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not<=
BR>
the blues. Breaking your leg escaping an outraged husband is.<BR>
<BR>
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighti=
ng<BR>
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.<BR>
<BR>
10. Good places for the Blues:<BR>
a. highway<BR>
b. jailhouse<BR>
c. empty bed<BR>
d. bottom of a whiskey glass<BR>
<BR>
11. Bad places for the Blues:<BR>
a. Nordstrom's<BR>
b. gallery openings<BR>
c. Ivy League institutions<BR>
d. golf courses<BR>
<BR>
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you<BR>
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.<BR>
<BR>
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?<BR>
Yes, if:<BR>
a. you older than dirt<BR>
b. you blind<BR>
c. you shot a man in Memphis<BR>
d. you can't be satisfied<BR>
<BR>
No, if:<BR>
a. you have all your teeth<BR>
b. you were once blind but now can see<BR>
c. the man in Memphis lived<BR>
d. you have a 401K or trust fund<BR>
<BR>
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. =
Tiger<BR>
Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white peo=
ple<BR>
also got a leg up on the blues.<BR>
<BR>
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the<BR>
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey=
<BR>
or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee<BR>
<BR>
The following are NOT Blues beverages:<BR>
a. Perrier<BR>
b. Chardonnay<BR>
c. Snapple<BR>
d. Slim Fast<BR>
<BR>
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues<BR>
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to=
<BR>
die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a<BR>
broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a<BR>
tennis match or while getting liposuction.<BR>
<BR>
17. Some Blues names for women:<BR>
a. Sadie<BR>
b. Big Mama<BR>
c. Bessie<BR>
d. Fat River Dumpling<BR>
<BR>
18. Some Blues names for men:<BR>
a. Joe<BR>
b. Willie<BR>
c. Little Willie<BR>
d. Big Willie<BR>
<BR>
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Buffy, and Heather can't<BR>
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.<BR>
<BR>
20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:<BR>
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,<BR>
Lame,etc.)<BR>
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,<BR>
Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,<BR>
Fillmore, etc.)<BR>
<BR>
For example:<BR>
Blind Lime Jefferson,<BR>
Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or<BR>
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")<BR>
<BR>
21. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot<BR=
>
sing the blues.<BR>
<BR>
</FONT><FONT FACE=3D"Verdana"><BR>
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