[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

(Mumf note: I'm not sure if just me and my son, Aaron, are
the only ones that enjoy these Dilbert jokes; but then, I
control the keyboard... Heh, Heh, Hehhh)

To:     Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From:   Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date:   November 2002

DNRC Progress Toward Total World Domination
-------------------------------------------
There are 632,000 DNRC members. Each of you is so brilliant
you could attach electric cables to your skull and power a
small city. But I don't recommend it.

Leadership
----------
Lately, reporters keep asking for my views on leadership. I
tell them that there are two credible theories of
leadership. I will summarize them here:

            (1) The Popular Theory of Leadership
            ------------------------------------
              Blah, blah, blah, who cares, etc.

               (2) My Theory of Leadership
               ------------------------------
              Leadership is a huge weasel scam.

You might have noticed that most CEOs are not eager to work
for companies that are already in the crapper and rotating
clockwise. That's puzzling, because you would think that a
confident CEO who believed in the power of his own
leadership skills would prefer a challenge -- something with
more of an upside potential. But it seems that given the
choice between a hard job, like CEO of Bob's Pastry and
Muffler Shop, or something easy, like CEO of General
Electric, most leaders will opt for the position that could
be handled equally well by a sock monkey.

If you replaced all of the CEOs of the Fortune 500 companies
with Magic 8 Balls (tm), and came back in five years, you
would discover that some of those companies had compiled
excellent track records by pure chance. The CEO's job in a
huge company is essentially the same as the Magic 8 Ball:
saying yes, no, or maybe, without the benefit of
understanding the questions. A Magic 8 Ball is highly
qualified for that sort of work.

Recently I heard an interview that CNBC did with Lou
Gerstner. He said his biggest contribution as CEO at IBM was
changing its culture. His example of how he changed the
culture is that when he came into the job there was a lot of
talk about breaking up the company into smaller companies;
he decided not to do that. In other words, his biggest
contribution to IBM was NOT DOING SOMETHING. Then he wrote a
best-selling book about his leadership. The Magic 8 Ball
would have had a 50% chance making the same decision; a sock
monkey would have nailed it on the first try.

One more thing: If leadership involved skill, wouldn't we
only need one book to describe it?

Running Water
-------------
Is there an Induhvidual in your house who doesn't understand
that when you're using a sink you can't hear conversation
directed at you from another room? If so, try this little
speech.

My Running-Water Speech:

"I can hear a vague buzzing sound that I believe is you,
trying to talk to me from another room while I am using the
sink. Believe it or not, the physics of sound have not
changed that much since the last fifty times you tried
unsuccessfully to yak at me from another room while I was
using the sink. Tomorrow, when you try again, I will still
not be able to hear you over the sound of running water in
the sink."

You'll find that this speech makes the house a lot quieter.
Try it at home and see for yourself. In fact, just writing
this newsletter and leaving it up on my computer screen made
things pretty quiet around here.

True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Here are some true tales of Induhviduals as reported by DNRC
members.

--
A cow-orker related an experience that she had at another
company last year where she was a supervisor. The company
encouraged employees to wear costumes to work on Halloween.
So last Halloween she was mortified to be ordered to lay off
some of her employees, while dressed as a clown.

--
I was complaining about being bored by a repetitive project,
and I made a comment about wishing I had a book-on-tape. My
co-worker looked at my blankly and asked, "What do you need
to know about tape?"

--
Seen on a resume: "I am an expert poofreader."

--
I have a high-school pottery class. One morning, a fellow
student sat down at his pottery wheel and complained that
someone left it all messy. He failed to understand that
every student has his own exclusive wheel assigned to him,
and he was looking at his own mess from the previous day.

At the end of class, he started to get up, and I reminded
him that he was supposed to clean up after himself. He said,
"I'm going to leave it as a lesson to whoever did it to me
that they're supposed to clean up their own mess!"

--
A few years ago, my wife quit her job to be a stay-at-home
mother. Before she quit she offered to work part time. Two
bosses took her to lunch to discuss this possibility. During
the lunch one boss looked at her and said, "But you're
working so hard already. I don't understand how you'll be
able to do all your work in half the time."

--
A former boss of mine was collecting contributions for a
political cause. One day we found him making photocopies of
$5, $10 and $20 bills, front and back. When questioned, he
said, "My accountant told me to make copies of everything,
for tax purposes." I tried to explain that his accountant
was only referring to receipts and deposit slips, but he
could not be dissuaded.

--
At a restaurant, my slightly toasted friend was inspired to
order fried mushrooms, an item not found on the menu. The
server, resembling the one exasperated by Jack Nicholson's
character in "Five Easy Pieces," tried to resist taking the
special order. She finally gave in to my friend's disjointed
insistence and recorded his detailed instructions for
preparing the mushrooms.

Weeks later, we returned to the restaurant, equally toasted,
and spring-loaded to order the mushrooms again. The very
same server came to take our order. My friend, a bit
flustered at the prospect of providing a long explanation,
said, "Hi, uh, we're the mushroom people."

The server replied with cold satisfaction: "Yes, I thought
so."

--
I showed a cow-orker the cartoon of "Dogbert the Investment
Banker" from the week of October 21st
(http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/1021.html).

This was part of the conversation:

Cow-orker: You'd think he would, like, catch on about the
dog by now.

DNRC Member: It's a cartoon.

Cow-orker: Well, in that case, it loses the realism of the
thing. I mean, like, how dumb are we supposed to think that
guy is? If a dog tried to consult with me more than once I
would, like, recognize it.

--
I'm in college, and a good friend of mine had come over to
my dorm to study for a test with me. An environmental group
had put up fliers in my hall that read, "One American uses
as much energy per year as 250,000 Ethiopians." My friend
read this, looked at me indignantly, and said, "Well, what
do they want us to do? Just stand still or something?"

On a related note, she is in the honors program at my
school.

--
I always knew that my cow-orker, Bob, was the boss's pet,
but it really hit home one day when Bob and I were working
together in my office. The boss called:

Me: Hello

Boss: Is that you, Bob?

Me: No, it's Doug.

Boss: Oh, Doug, you're just the one I want to talk to.

Me: That's great, boss, what's up?

Boss: Where's Bob?

--
I was giving holiday dates to an Induhvidual to enter into
his electronic diary. I said, "Good Friday, 29th March," to
which he replied, "And what day of the week is that?"

--
I was talking with a person who runs an IT consulting
company about including a list of assumptions in a
presentation. She disagreed with including the assumptions,
saying, "Making an assumption is something completely
different than assuming something. Assumptions are
conclusions, and assuming is a pre-conclusion. I don't think
you can say that something is an assumption when you've
assumed it." THAT'S VERBATIM. (Mumf note: he probably went
to the "Todd Greenberg School of Consulting)

--
An air-conditioning manufacturer recently introduced a new
line of diffusers (the thing in the ceiling that air comes
out of), specifically for prisons, that has "anti-suicidal"
features. In the write-up, they state the reasons why this
is a good thing:

"Suicide takes a toll on facility administration by wasting
time and money combating negligence claims. Suicide also
increases facility staff stress and decreases morale."

--
I worked as an accountant in a paper mill where my boss
decided that it would improve motivation to split a bonus
between the two shifts based on what percentage of the total
production each one accomplished.

The workers quickly realized that it was easier to sabotage
the next shift than to make more paper. Cow-orkers put glue
in locks, loosened nuts on equipment so it would fall apart,
you name it. The bonus scheme was abandoned after about ten
days, to avoid all-out civil war.

--
I would like to make a nomination for the most demeaning job
title in the workplace. At my local supermarket there are
signs informing customers that a "Checkout Captain" is
available to help them pack their groceries.

(Mumf note: I'm glad it's a captain, because I wouldn't want
their privates to touch my food.]

--
My cow-orker complained to her son's football coach because
he put her son on the "special teams." She told the coach
that her son might be slow but was not mentally challenged
and deserved to play with all the other boys.

--
During a workshop we were invited to tell the audience about
our personal projects. A cow-orker said that he intended to
go trekking in Tibet. The moderator asked him whether he
planned to see the Dalai Lama, which is clueless enough. But
my colleague topped it, saying, "Sure I will, and maybe even
climb it."

Signs of Induhviduality
---------------------------
Induhviduals continue to post signs. Here are some recent
sightings.

--
A local business says on the building, "AUTO GLASS
SPECIALISTS. At night, all that lights is "ASS SPECIALISTS."

--
I was staying at a hotel near the red-light district in
Amsterdam. There was a sign on the door of our hotel room
with information about the hotel and lots of disclaimers. In
particular, it said:

"This hotel is not responsible for loss of values."

True Quotes From Induhviduals
-----------------------------
Here are more true quotes from Induhviduals, most from the
mouths of managers. The key points are that people don't
know what a "craw" is, and it's bad to be a horse.

"That really burns my craw!"

"Don't bite the gift horse."

"That makes the hair on the back of my neck really stick in
my craw."

"Never screw a gift-horse in the mouth." (Mumf note: kinda
changes the whole meaning, doesn't it!)

"He's trying to pull the buffalo over our eyes."

"I've got a real beef to grind with that guy."

"A penny saved is worth two in the bush."

"He opened up that can of worms, let him swim in them."

"I don't know about him, but it's completely win-win for
me." (Mumf note: overheard in Dave Massingham's office)

"I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel."

"Please don't leave me out with the wolves to dry!"

"I have ears like a hawk."

"We don't want to go at it like a wild bull in Chinatown."

"We shoot ourselves in the wrong feet sometimes."

"You gotta walk with your pants on."

"Layoffs are extremely difficult for all of us -- especially
those at risk of losing their jobs."

"We better cover our ass and put it on their heads."

At a meeting, my director wanted to bring up an
off-the-point topic. To preface his remark he said, "I don't
want to open up a red herring here." When I told him that I
was going to write that down and submit it to you, he said,
"You're a piece of cake, Bob."

"Sometimes you've just got to grab the cow by the tail and
face the music."

"I don't know what else I can do...my shoes are tied." (Mumf
query: can't you now start chewing the bubble gum?)

"Sounds like we're swimming an uphill battle."

"Get on with the bandwagon, or get out of the pot."

"You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there."

"Don't cry wolf until it's soup...and it's not soup yet."

"Our product will eat the pants off the competition!"

"Utopia? What's that, a country?"

"Let's all corrugate over here to view the artist's
contraception of our new building."

"If you're sick, you'd better not come in. I don't want you
to start an academic."

Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers my mail that I'm too polite
to answer myself. The names have been changed to make them
funnier.

--
Dear Mr. Adams,
I read comedian Bill Maher's new book and he says if we
reduced our oil consumption by less than 3% we wouldn't need
any oil from countries that support terrorism! Please ask
your readers to use less energy.
Monty


Dear Monkey,
Someday we really must get together and compare our Nobel
Prizes in economics. It seems to me that if we use 3% less
oil, the evil oil-producing countries will raise prices to
make up the difference, and they'll be able to fund
terrorism a few more years before running out of oil.

Therefore, if you're not already driving an SUV, the
terrorists have won. Okay, okay, there are plenty of good
reasons to conserve energy, such as saving the environment.
I'm just saying there are two things you can't learn from
Bill Maher: 1) Advanced economics as it relates to
geopolitical power, and 2) Hairstyle.
Sincerely,
Dogbert

 --Scott Adams
   scottadams@aol.com