[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is
lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can
you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon,
hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me
is technically correct, but completely useless."

The man below says: "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or
where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help.
You're still in the same position you were before we met,
but now it's my fault."

--
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.
One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,

"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again
tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the
same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom
of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get
that same boat today!?!?"

--
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are
carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a
wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that
the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years,
and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the
same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers
are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking,
the husband cries out,

"Watch the wall!"

--
My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young
ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming
from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we
found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally
swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No
amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he
happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it
from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he
snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and
demanded cheerfully, "Do it again, Dad!"

--
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going
the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"

"Hun," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds
of them!"

--
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their
fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him
$50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a
few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they
give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon.
And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

--
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the
things around the house that he used to do. When the
examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take
it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just
a plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term,
so I can tell my wife!"

--
* The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear
tight shoes.

* The nice part about living in a small town is that when
you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

* The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight
because by then your body and your fat are really good
friends.

* Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile
and it shrinks two sizes!

* I read this article that said the typical symptoms of
stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving
too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect
day!

* I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that
nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

--
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when
she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to
see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't
possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little
voice.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally
gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she
was sleeping.

The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh,
Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home
soon!"

--