[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that
hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall
create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"A flawed creature with many bad traits, he'll lie, cheat,
and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But
he'll be bigger and faster, and will like to hunt and kill
things. He'll be witless and revel in childish things,
like fighting and kicking a ball around. He looks silly
when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining,
I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your
physical needs. He won't be too smart, so he'll need your
advice to think properly."

"Sounds great" says Eve, with a raised eyebrow. "So,
what's the catch?"

"Well,... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self admiring...
so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret... you know... woman
to woman."

++
o SMILE...it's the second best thing you can do with your
lips.
o I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
o Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
o It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
o Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill
your drink.
o Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
o Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
o Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
o HONK..... If you want to see my finger.
o Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
o I don't have a license to kill... I have a learner's
permit.
o I wasn't born a bitch...Men like you made me this way.
o Keep honking while I reload.
o Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
o Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
o Madness takes it's toll....PLEASE have exact change.
o 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's
an amusement park.
o EARTH FIRST!!! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
o If you drink....Don't park...Accidents cause people.
o If you can read this....I can hit my brakes and sue you.
o Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
o My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her or
something like that.
o If we are what we eat...I'm cheap, fast and easy.
o BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
o So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
o I need someone real bad...Are you real bad?
o BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
o All men are idiots...and I married their king.
o Some people are only alive because it is illegal to
shoot them.
o I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
o WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
o You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
o The longer you complain, the longer God makes you live.
o I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes
to take what you've got.
o Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
o Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
o Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
o As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in
public schools.
o HANG UP AND DRIVE
o God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
o I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
o Your kid may be an Honor Student ... but YOU'RE still an
idiot.

- from Jimi Pocius

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(Mumf note: this is excellent!)

http://www.terrytate.reebok.com/#

- from Steve Halpin

--
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated
golf course, became confused as to where he was on the
course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of
him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and
asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole
behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine
the same thing happened; and he approached her again with
the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are
a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He
finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw
the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the
bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she
was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in
appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in
the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you
sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for
Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his
breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a
salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind
you!"

- from Sue Greene

--
A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and said, "My
house is on fire!"

The man on the phone said, "Well, can you tell me how we
get there?"

She said, "Duhhh!!! In the big red trucks!"

++
This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her
to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker
worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes,
No, Yes..."

++
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the
beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.
The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The
bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet
paper."

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead
says, "What's so funny?"

The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb
and look at her! By the time she gets back with that
toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

++
A blonde sitting next to a man on an airplane. About 1 hr.
into the flight the pilot comes on and says over the
intercom, "One of our four engines is out, we will be
about fifteen minutes late arriving." About 30 min. later
the pilot comes on the intercom again and say "There is a
second engine out, we will be about 30 min. late." Fifteen
minutes after that the pilot comes on again and says "I'm
sorry to say that there is a third engine out, we'll be
about 1 hr. late arriving to our destination."

The blonde turns to the man and says "Man if that forth
engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."

- from Jay Pocius

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