[Rhodes22-list] jokes

[Michael Meltzer]

A male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his fatherfive
years before. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father'sdeath,the
male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the shipand blow air
through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boatover, and make them
think twice about killing innocent whales."

The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the
whalingshiphas completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of
thesailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or
inlifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whaleyells
"They're going to shore - Let's gobble them up!"

Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Look", she says, "I
agreed to the blowjob, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing the seamen!"

--
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato,
became completely inattentive to his wife, and sat guzzling beer and
watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to
attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored
comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then
one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a
hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down
the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a
special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To
demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony
bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and
smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and
claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The
shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in
seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention,
nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the
house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and
watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A
Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!"

--
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats
the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda
stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just
shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back
at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black
and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

--
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would
be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same
tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and
began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he
started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the
captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a
piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on
for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

--
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands
him the beer and says, "You know, I want to compliment you on your physique,
it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so
small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard
someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog
sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me.
Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF!
The frog turned into a beautiful1, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like
Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I
was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make
sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and
beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish.
What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

--